In more than one way. To the day and to life... So yeah. I was glad I could be there for him... And that phone call made me realize a lot of things. Like pondering whether or not I am happy with the way I'm living my life. And that I need to tell everybody I love to their face that I love them, next time I see them and all the time. And what God has in mind for me and my friends... It is times like these we most need to say "Thy will be done" but times like these it is hardest to say. My heart is hurting right now. A lot. How many reminders of mortality can I possibly need! I'm FIFTEEN! First there was Mrs. Forgione and then Nicole and then that startling intimacy with death that comes when you have cancer, like Grammy did, or like Ashley's cousin is facing now... And then there was Jose Leone, the other day, and that kid who got hit by a car a couple of weeks ago, and now this, closer than ever... It seems like everybody's dying and I'm behind, like I don't know what I'm supposed to think or what I'm supposed to say, or do, and I can't even decode my inner feelings enough to show them, enough to make a difference in a life I'm not sure if I'm satisfied with or not. I want to be there for him more than anything... All of which brings me to other internal struggles I've been dealing with lately that I only just last night shared with myself, which is always unfailingly when the inner conflicts really start. So I go from a totally shallow inner conflict last night to a totally deep one now, and what kills me is that I'll most likely go back to that old shallow existence within a few days and that KILLS me! Like how can I find the balance between myself and the rest of the world? It always seems like I'm off... Unbalanced... Teetering on the edge of a world that's teetering on the edge of a universe that's teetering on the edge of the finger of God, or something, and the farther away we get the wobblier life seems to be... On a slightly lighter note, I've been reading a lot of true stories and watching a lot of movies based on reality lately... Pondering all of that instability that suddenly seems much more widespread than just the meager reaches of my own incapable head and heart and soul... Each of which seems to be its own separate entity with no reliable paths connecting them... So yeah. I've been thinking deeply about religion and love and stuff, and how according to this my little hopes can really come true if I just let them GO... "I spent hours looking for ladybugs in the field and finally I gave up on them and fell asleep in the grass... And when I woke up they were crawling all over me!" And how normal people can really do amazing things, this world is an amazing place and I just have to figure out how it works, what buttons to press... Or, more accurately, just forget about the science of the world and use my poet's instinct to go with it, because THAT's when things actually happen! "Terrible idea... don't you just LOVE those?"