So. Last night I went to bed at 10:45 and got to sleep at 1:15. I hate that. I was just thinking too hard about everything, life and love and humanity... At one point I was bawling (wouldn't be surprised if this song sets me off again... seems like I'm always on the verge of tears these days). I couldn't even concentrate on my book, I wrote 5 pages in my journal throughout the day. And my soul hurts. BAD. I realized the momentum my life has been gathering lately, especially since me n Ben started hanging out, and how what seems to be fate is working in my life... The sequence of events is really intriguing and my life is really intense, like almost out of control... But anyways. I was thinking of things I really need to say and how there's no possible way I can say them all in one day, even though I won't have peace until it all comes out... I was thinking of ways I could say it... Which brought me to a really cute story about a boyfriend I had in 3rd grade haha, it sounds stupid but it really wasn't. It's kinda long though, I don't think I feel like recounting it here, if you really wanna know complain and I'll tell you some other time... I was also thinking about how saying these things could hurt other people or mess up relationships that I have with people, I mean I don't know how far I can stretch these things and I certainly have no idea if it would help anything to say them now - I don't know if it would hurt anything either, and I'm not sure if I'm willing to risk it. I really think it needs to get out though, either that or I need something else to think about. I was also thinking about how when I left Becky's last night the room seemed to fade a little behind me, like I was walking out of a dream, and I felt like I was shedding a skin or a part of my life, like I was leaving something behind... It coulda just been the tears in my eyes, or how tired I was even at that point, or love... I thought a heck of a lot about love last night, about the different kinds of love and if it really matters or not, and how you can tell if it's true love or not true, and what the difference is anyway. Part of my inner turbulence is the fact that I'm not sure I trust myself after everything, which is a really bad feeling to have. Despite "not being hurt" I sure am hesitant... "Love can hurt... but that's no reason not to try it." I just don't know... If I want to go with it and maybe have it not be right, or what happens if i say something and it turns out to just mess things up more?! I just don't know. And another thing that just hit me now. I'd just like to thank Yulie for adding to my inner conflict. That was lemon juice in the wound, a tear-jerker even while I've got a river flowing down my face. And I really am sorry for being harsh about it but it's a response, I'm really moody these days don't even start. I wish I had a shoulder to cry on... And at this moment I'm really irritable, a sudden sudden change in mood and I don't know if I could TAKE a shoulder to cry on or whether I'd just start beating it up or something. But I DO... They're just all occupied right now. Anyways. Don't even start to put all the blame on me because I have a lot to deal with. You don't even know the tip of the iceberg. You haven't taken the time or initiative to find out the rest of what's lying under the surface of the clear blue, what could scratch up the side and send me to the bottom of the North Atlantic, and you could just as well have taken initiative and made plans... I'd more than go for it even now. I realize that life will be different with me on the other side of the planet and you're probably struggling with it too (it feels weird saying that, conceited or something, but anyways) but just keep in mind that I'm thinking about it too. Do you know how much is involved in an undertaking like this one? You of all people have an idea. You even told me, you warned me before not to go detaching myself or I'd regret not spending all the time I could with my friends before I left. I'm leaving all my friends, my family, everything I know, my cat, my dog! My school. My church. I have no idea what life is gonna be like. I don't know what material things I'm gonna need to bring, how homesick I'm gonna be, who I'm going to meet... Heck, I don't even know where I'm going for CHRISTMAS! So just keep that in mind and if you think of anything cool to do, ANYBODY, anybody who's feeling left out or anything... I'm more than open. I just have so much to coordinate and think about it, I'm kinda at the end of my nerves right now and I'm really frazzled. Thanks again for the wake-up call.