...only not really. I only said that cuz maart is Dutch. I really need to find a good way to teach myself languages, then I could get into that... I also need to get those books from Lena & Bee, I mean Kat and Bridg haha. We totally get wayyyy into stuff... Plus if I had those I wouldn't waste away into bored oblivion like I'm most likely going to now that I've finished everything I had to do today... And am not feeling well. The bad thing is that on days like this I feel all productive and then I finish everything so I go on the computer and then I become a veggie and lose all sense of productivity and ambition. Unfortunately all my friends are malling today and anyway I'm still feeling pretty rotten. lol. Maybe I can fix the sound on this thing and watch a movie-our dvd player isn't back yet. Gerrrr... And also if I'd been feeling better I coulda done something with Dave... but I'm really not feeling up to that. I'm screwed up, it's off and on but always there I guess, just certain things trigger it... And while I don't put much in horoscopes, I pretty much just get it for free messenger and good laughs, it pretty much hit it right on the spot today (msnsagg). *sigh* I dunno if I'm into stuff... I know I'm being vague but... I dunno. And I did it again, the bad thing where I convince myself and everybody else (except Kat and Ashley cuz they know me better than that, and my history... and maybe even Heather, Alice or Alex) that it's for a different reason, and then it all comes crashing down on my head and I'm depressed for about a week... And then I get over it and laugh at myself for being so stupid and then it periodically comes back every once in awhile for a few seconds (except in one case)... It's an endless deadly cycle of me being afraid (methinks) and not wanting to admit it, not bcuz of pride or anything but bcuz I hate what fear can do to people... Even though by not admitting it I'm probably just making it worse. And I always think I'm over it so I get back in the boat and it all comes flooding back and there I am sunk again, lost another boat to that deadly lagoon where divers will someday go to investigate my past lives... You'd think that eventually I'd learn and sail a different lagoon right? Or maybe learn to sail? Bcuz I always think I'm in a different lagoon and it turns out I'm not, either that or I am and I just don't know it, or I am absolutely clueless and should have paid more attention when Uncle Dick was teaching my brother and me how to sail, like I said. And here I go again, getting too caught up in a metaphor and repeatedly flushing my ambition down the drain... Let me go do something quick. >!