.... fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. ..... honestly. im raggin right. so that sucks. so emotional. right. so. i stayed at kyles last night. yeah. it was cold over there. he went to work at seven. i didnt know when he would get off. dave had to leave at two. i needed to get home to do stuff so i could go to the movies with him tonight or something. but. fuck. so i get a ride home. but i didnt know kyle had gotten off work early for me. fuck. so. yeah he was pissed i guess at me leaving. see. i try really hard to make others happy and its like the harder i try the more i fuck up. im so sick of trying to make everyone happy walking on eggshells of emotions. all the friggen time. i dunno. things. you know. suck. man. its like hey. kyle. you dont have to worry. you know. its not like im out you know.. banging cresten when we're together. i mean.. we've agreed on stuff. had our talks. cresten. kyle and i. we do our thing. you know most of it, cuz i tell you. so what do you worry about honestly? why does anyone worry so much about me? andy comes back tomorrow. rockin. well chill. watch movies till 4 in the morining like old times. fuck with the xbox. who knows. itll be cool to see him. before he leaves. maybe never comes back. i hurt so much. like not only physical right now. but emotionally. cuz of this summer. everything. it hurts. all so bad. you know. i mean damn. its like. it hurts. just to think of what its been like. ive been assessing so much of my past so much lately its killing me. and trying to figure out who i am and whatnot. its hard. daves cool. like i dont know why. but hes kinda my hero. in a way. i dunno. its hard to explain why i look up to him. i just feel so. blah. dead. on the inside. i kinda want to go back to what it was like. hanging out over at craig's.. zach's. with cresten's friends. all the drugs all around. with me not taking them. just knowing theyre there if i want them. i mean. the smell of pot. which i hate in one aspect, and love in another. just because of memories. and the smell of cigarettes. and booze. its all there you know. i just miss it. just miss the chance to get fucked up out of my mind. and depend on something other than myself for once. i dont know. just. hey guys. give me a little bit of.. me. ok. some leeway. slack. i mean. quit like. i dunno.. giving me the big brother syndrome. ok. the twenty one questions about where ive been and what im doing and the tatle telling has to stop. i mean. serriously. if im gonna hang out with cresten. im gonna hang out with cresten. im sorry. but were still friends. no matter what he does, i sitll care. im not just gonna drop him and say i hate him when i dont. i hate lying. and im not one to hold grugdes. so some people will have to get over it. hes not a total asshole. ok. and like. im just a little upset right now at the fact that wenever i try to help, i just get smacked. it sucks. and religion. well fuck that shit. i think ive lost all hope in god. oh and heres this tidbit. i wrote it a while back. just never really did anything with it.. made it an away message i guess. take what you will from it. maybe itll affect you more so than me. "and i dont want to go but everything you say seems to say... 'darling youre great but i cant take it anymore' and everytime i want to you just walk out the door. and everything you tell me makes no sense cuz i cant understand i thought we were best friends and now that seems to have gone to hell and dont you tell me no. just watch me tell you no. cuz i dont want to be here. i dont really want to be anywhere besides your arms. besides your arms."