theres so much to write about i cant do it while im eating or in one sitting god damnit. i wish i could stop thinking about stuff. last night kyle brought up kaleb. i just keep thinking about how his memory haunts us all all the time most of us but... i dream a lot where kaleb will just be there and stupid little things.. when people joke about lynching or emo kids hanging themselves... its probably one of the most offensive things i can hear. i miss him and josh. god i cant stop thinking about what he said i cant believe that hed actually go so far as to call me a trifeling bitch. it hurts my feelings so fucking much. i really thought he was a friend something i dont know it just fucking hurts is that how other people see me? probably how does josh even know what really went on? who told him that i fucked someone else? i didnt. i didnt even go so far as to hold hands with the fuck and suddenly it seems that im a whore-slut and just fuck people all the time. next time i see josh. i wont slap him in the face i wont pull him off to the side and talk to him about it ill just look at him not say a word just look at him. it hurts too much to be so in love with someone and be accused of stuff i didnt do but you know what i seem to be getting a lot of that lately accusations of stuff i didnt do. i think about mom. and how all i want is just a relationship ill never get that ever. she wont talk to me she just calls up HER mom and talks to her how can she expect me to talk to her when she wont talk to me or give me reassurance. theres a trust level. i dont know theres more but its offensive.