im still confused i dont know what last night was all about im so scared to lose kyle still i dont know im not sure what was going on i also failed to mention, that kyle is like water to me i was thinking about it last night after i got home he is necessary for my life and damn near 90% of my world. i feel weightless in his arms the happiness i feel when im with him is the kind of happiness ive looked for for so long. its not the kind of happiness that you feel when you complete a hard project, or a life long goal.. but the kind of feeling complete feeling encompassed by love i really do love him so much i cried for twenty min last night after i got home, and not from being sad, but from realizing how happy he makes me that im such an idiot to get worked up over things ill be honest lately his whole not having a job was really getting to me i felt a little used. but i realize its not really such a big deal i mean it is, but its not im just lucky to be with him to have a guy that actually cares about me its not that im scared of being alone its just, i know if he left me my heart would be more broken than it ever has been i love him so much its indescribeable im just confused scared in a blog he wrote "I'm scared.. I just need someone to tell me that what i'm feeling is ok..." i have no idea what he could be talking about. im scared he might have feelings for another girl i want to throw up just thinking that he might i guess i might overanyalize stuff too go down different tracks in my head but its like i start thinking that way and then i think about the crap with Brooke earlier this week and its just a bunch of what ifs.. my adreanaline gets going and i freak out im so scared to lose the one thing that brings so much happiness to my life he makes me feel like i have a purpose mom suspected i took the car last night i pulled it off though and she believes that i just sat out there and talked on the phone for a while i dont feel good about it before pulling off a lie to her made me feel good but now, that ive actually gotten closer to her i feel like shit im not happy with myself about it im happy about seeing kyle but im not happy with lying at all im also not happy with skipping school today well mostly i am but im still a little upset about it however i did go over and clean kathy brady's house today and hung out with her and mike and that was quite nice their house gets so nasty no one has the time to clean it and she was really greatful that i did and even though i was kind of disappointed i only got a ten out of it i didnt really care i only worked for an hour and a half and she doesnt really have the money to fling out everywhere it made me feel good to know i helped someone out and i talked to mike about what else i could get kyle for his birthday and i know ive got it set i just need paul or neil to go with me and get it i have 55 dollars now and ill get 40-50 more for lunch next week 20 for cleaning grandma's house on saturday kathy 10 next week for cleaning again and maybe scott will do a 20 to a 10 depending if i clean his place soo that would be a grand total of .... 115 - 145 by friday next week which is plenty enough and ill have some left over for myself im proud i want him to have a really great birthday also im tired of being pretty anyways just need to say again that I love Kyle Bergman