a lot was said last night. he didnt think id remember he told me so. said i was drunk. i kept asking him to explain. but it wasnt cuz i had forgotten. i just wanted to hear it again. you love my hair. my eyes. love me because our pasts are the same. you stayed by me all night. watched me puke. why? you care about me that much? i shouldnt be here right now. i mean. yeah. i should but i shouldnt. ok. so i just shouldnt. i dont understand how im not dead. how.. im completely unharmed. i was really stupid last night i feel like such a jackass. everyone puts me up on this pedastal. im so awesome. no. im human. only human. i do things, make mistakes too. you know. i drink. drive home drunk. i shouldnt have. but i did. im feeling it today. i just needed the alcohol. i just FELT like i needed it. i mean. shit i duno what i mean. that movie. the royal tenenbaums. it makes me want a family so bad. or a sibling. someone to talk to. it pissed me off last night how fro and keegan were saying my life hasnt been that fucking hard. its something i dwell on. whos life hasnt been? well i can name a few. i wanted to smack keegan for saying his was harder than mine. had been harder. no. its a respect issue. you just dont out and out say that. especially when you have no fucking clue what someone has been though. i dont know what im doing. i just wish people would talk to me. striaght up. not hide things. thats one thing i tried to explain to him last night. is that .. with cresten, its a point.. we can talk about anything everything we dont get angry at each other. ever. with kyle.. its different i could say things that upset him. when i talk about cresten for example. i just want to feel like i could talk to him about everything. and vise versa. i want him to talk to me. if he cant do that.. then.. i mean.. whats really the point in trying to give my all in a relationship? if i cant know whats wrong when something is wrong.. then how can i be there to help fix things. and megan. oh god. i hate it. how she fucked him up. he even told me... thats why he doesnt say anything. im more agressive. less passive. hes more passive. if something is bothering me, i want to do something about it. i dont want to just let it go. i hate doing that. i dunno. my head hurts. tylenol. yeah.