im sick with myself. not myself maybe. im saddened by the changes. we played this years marching show today. just for fun. the last time we'll ever play it. i played with all my heart, we all did. i remembered everything from this past season. i pictured the feild those feelings of performing. the long nights of hard work. the hot summer days. the cold september nights. i remembered the glory of the lights in the RCA dome at state and the thousands of cheering crowd. i remembered the trophies and the cheers and the tears. happy happy tears. and i was saddened that i only have two years left for memories like this. and i remembered the friendships. how we were all so close. how youre all so far apart now. PAUL. i remember paul. hugging paul, for ten minutes straight, crying, crying that we had won regionals and were going to state. it had been such a horrible show, but we'd done it. i had prayed that it was for my dead brother that we'd win. and we did. and i remembered lindsay and colin... so happy so happy. and how they fight now. today infact. yelling so much love turned hate. how paul doesnt talk to me anymore. how neil is best friends with paul and theyre posers now. how matt and ben are quitting. cole too. its like we acieved so much, only to depart. only to make those memories to forget them and maybe bring them out of a box one day, when theyre faded and crinkled, and sit around and cry and wonder where everyone else is at the moment. damn damn damn. how do i go so unchanged in the midst of all this change? or maybe i dont. i ponder things i never did before. i still miss paul, its nearly been a year. cresten and i have been dating, nearly a year. i broke up with shawn, nearly a year ago. so much so much. i cant handle. lemp. jared. ryan. ryan. ricky. paul allison lindsay colin neil matt ben everyoneeverythingrunningtogether. changing. its so hard not to want to cry about it. i mourn because that is when i was most happy.