"this has been said so many times im not sure if it matters." i know this hurts. it was meant to! your secrets out and the best part is it isnt even a good one. and its mind over YOU DONT MATTER. from day one i talked about getting out but not forgetting about how my worst fears were letting out he said "why put a new address on the same old loneliness" now breathing just passes the time until we all get old and die and talkings just a waste of breath and living is just a waste of death and why put a new address on the same old loneliness? and this is you and me and me and you until we've got nothing left. i miss kaleb. i think about it now. im not so upset about it ne more. its just hard. today was veterans day. i think about how he wanted to join the airforce. and that if he had died doing so.. he would have had an airforce funeral. he never got the chance to. i miss him. and i know its a little odd, i mean we were close. in gradeschool. but our schedules changed after sixth grade and then i only saw him at the store or at craigs. but you always expected him to be there. i think about it so much. its on my mind always. such a good kid. one of the best of all of us. he actually had something going for him. i painted a picture of the tree. i cant get over this image in my mind i have of him hanging there. i want to know and feel exactally what he did before he did it. i think he probably regretted it after he finally slipped off that branch. i dont know. i loved him. miss him. but as for me. im ready to get the hell out of here. i realized it today. im in the middle of fucking nowhere. doing nothing shit. for no reason. i want to go somewhere and do something so that people will know who i am and what i do. oh yeah youve heard it before ill be famous. i just want to get the fuck out of POSEY mother fucking VILLE. i mean how original. i dont know. ive gotten so into the art now. i went to the artist's guild in New Harmony yesterday and that was pretty friggen cool i used an airbrush for the first time and i impressed myself. i got back a bunch of peices from ceramics the other day and that was pretty fun. i feel a little empy hurting space in my heart. no matter how much anyone loves me or anyone tries to comfort me. i feel like i have a little bleeding hole. so i guess cresten has a new woman already that hits me kinda odd. "oh well its gonna be a while before i get over you" 1 week later. "got this girls number" i wonder if he really likes her or if hes being an ass to me or if hes out with her tonight it hurts it does i mean yeah i should be happy and i am but cant you understand? it just hurts IM supposed to be the special one oh and i have such a problem with jealousy. ill hate her forever. no matter who she is. even when i think about shawn i still feel jealous. i dont know i like. in one way want to cry about it, another just shake it off, and another.. gut punch her. you know its weird to be cheated on, then break up, and then hear theyre with someone else. you know. its like. damn. people just dont understand why i hate girls. they FUCK UP MY LIFE> i am one. and i fuck up my life pretty damn well on my own. i dont need other fruits coming in a screwing it up more. i dont know. im sad angry upset i guess im gonna go eat dinner with kyles family tonight thatll be good. you know what. fuck him. .. cresten that is. fuck it. i have to learn to deal. if i dont. ill go crazy.