.... so mom wasnt mad about my phone at all (fyi.. i broke it. accident... karmas a bitch. i shouldnt have stolen that pink glitter nail polish from hot topic. oh well. :) ) anyways no she wasnt mad she was just dandy with it espically the fact that i have another phone she started getting shitty about me not driving and i looked at her and said hey. its not my fault. i only have a week left youre the one who made that decision and besides neither of us have my keys it needs an oil change anywyas and i can use the spare phone until we get the other working so dont get worked up. and she changed her attitude and was just ok. anyways. im thinking about last night i was so upset im glad kyle is there for me. to listen. i hope he understands me he doesnt know how much he means to me. i regret everything ive ever done to him any time i pissed him off... intentional or not or made him worry or anything kasey. i regret it all. i feel horrible and josh.. he apologized the other night for what he said as soon as i walked in the door he apologized and that made me feel even worse. i was so upset and then i got even more upset.. but not mad that he apologized.. its just when someone does an act of kindness like that to me it makes me so.... i dont know. emotional i guess. espically since what he said really really hurt. ive been thinking about it a lot lately. how much i completely regret even talking to kasey. hes horrible. mean. hateful. i try not to be. it was my stupid mistake i never should have even said Hi to him. i regret ever liking him at all even as a friend hes so mean. just an utter asshole i tried to ask him earlier if he knew who had my picture on facebook.. and he just went "fuck. i dont know. i dont fucking care. why would i give a shit anyways?" and im just like sorry for even asking i cant get on facebook. id like to know who has my picture up there. whatever. i try to be nice. i try to just you know. move on. whatever. its not like we had anything to move on from anyways. ... or maybe he thought we did. i dont know. i dont care. im in love with kyle. kasey knows that. and all i want to do is just be nice to him. is that so wrong? i recognized my mistake. everyone knows about it. god damn. i liked someone else. and i dont even know why hes a dick. im just stupid. but he doesnt still have to be an ass to me i just asked a damn question i dont know who the hell he is anymore and i dont care. its just annoying as fuck. ... i dont know i just cant express how much i love kyle. how just happy i am to be with him just to know i can call him or hug him. fall into his arms when im upset and just cry he doesnt know how much last night meant to me. it meant the world and more.. i also am stunned by what neeley said last night i cant repeat it shes only ever told two people me and mike brady and i can only imagine i didnt realize how much i didnt know about our family that the same thing happened to chris too im so lucky... if this sounds odd.. that my brother died when he did. or.. im afriad it would have happened to the both of us. but after my brother died... mom and i didnt have much to do with the Koester side for a while. i guess at the same time things happened to neeley and chris i guess there was a reason for things. i do miss john terribly though i think about it so much what hed look like brown hair. brown or blue eyes and it would emo cut and hed probably wear black t shirts and ripped jeans with studded belts all the time and hed sleep in my room and i would have been in the room next to the bathroom and hed have been the only boy to carry on the Koester name Johnathan Koester. .... and i didnt even know him is it gay.. that sometimes i dream about him have dreams a lot him and kaleb and thats what he looks like.. john i mean and i take him to school with me and hes a freshman and he plays the guitar a red stratocaster and we talk and i can tell him everything and he says that he really likes kyle kyle is his hero. and stuff like that those dreams.. i wake up crying the ones where kyle cheats on me doesnt bother me as much as those do. why cant i just get over it. cant i just forget that i ever had a brother. ive been alone for so long it never bothered me before but i never really thought about it before and i never knew what went on with neeley as his death happened to me i always misjudged i guess. i misjudged that she had never been through too much i never thought that she had had any troubles in her life. i was so wrong. everything she goes through (with the exception of this one thing) ive been through and it kills me to see her go through it but if shes going through what i went through then its her luck that shell find a completely awesome guy and be totally happy with him. and all i can hope for is that her mom approves i dont know what im rambling about i guess im just so emo all the time. i have to say though despite it all that im in love with kyle bergman and his birthday is may 22 and he smokes a lot but i dont care and he wears black shirts and light blue jeans and its ok cuz he looks absolutely gorgeous in it and hes perfect. the end.