Erin = ? I want to say that makebelieve is by far the greatest person ever and I want to thank her for still reading my thoughts/words even if they don't always make sense. So why does life have to be so goddamn confusing all of the time? I mean for fuck sake, can't anything just go right and stay right. It seems like when I think that things are perfect something else happens that it brings me right back down. I don't know what to do anymore. I know that I always say I'm going to express everything in here but I can't. If the wrong person gets ahold of this then I'm definitely screwed for forever. I doubt they will ever see this but you know what I mean. I never write in my LiveJournal anymore and I think its just because of the fear. I mean it never really goes away and I don't want people to take everything I say the wrong way. It shouldn't matter anyway since they are my thoughts and my words afterall, but it always does. It seems like all of my thoughts from before have started to come back. I mean I know that I can't cut myself anymore or take anymore pills but it never really changes. The thoughts and feelings will go away for a while, but they never stay away forever. When I get into my sad/emo/depressed moods all of that crap comes back. I know that I can't keep doing it but no matter what anyone says, it helped a lot. The cutting helped to deal with all of the pain in my life and when I still do it occassionally, it takes everything away for that moment. Everyone says that its so wrong and yada yada yada but when I do it, it helps me to cope with the fucked up world that we're all living in. The pill taking hasn't happened for a while, but I always think of bringing it back. Not for anymore suicide attempts, but for the fact that I got sleep before. When I stopped taking the pills to sleep I stopped sleeping for the most part. I mean, its almost 3 am and when I left Chanel's a little after 11 pm I was completely dead tired and hoped that I didn't fall asleep on my drive home. Now that I'm home and laying in bed, sleep just doesn't want to come. Hence the fact that I'm so goddamn tired in the morning and throughout the day. Stupid life! I was going to burn all of my old diaries today. I think I have 5 and that doesn't include the one that I write in now. I have shared some of those pages with people but I don't plan on doing that ever again. I went to Chanel's to burn them and we ended up watching a movie and I fell asleep through part of it. When the movie was over I decided I was just going to go home and save the fire for another day. I only wanted to burn them because the words on the pages consist of a lot from my past. In the course of 4 years I've gone through 5 diaries which is weird because I never used to write. Maybe its just the fact that I hate my life once again and writing is the only way to not get criticism. Ahhhhh .... Life sucks :/