copied from my MySpace blog ... written on August 23, 2006 as i sit in my room in the middle of the afternoon i can't help but wonder what is ahead of me in the days and months to come. jim would have his twenty-ninth birthday in nine days, but instead he's been gone for almost five years. keith turned twenty-six last week. my youngest sister jack starts college tomorrow. ryan is going into the seventh grade and will be thirteen soon. i start my third year of college in about two weeks. i can't believe that my life is flying by and i'm still completely and utter lost in this translation of growing up. i still cry about losing my brother a mere five years ago and it seems like the only guy that i ever loved and that ever actually loved and appreciated me was taken from me way too soon and i can't deal with it. since his death i have let way to many guys use and abuse me and in the end i'm the fool and the one that spends a lot of nights crying alone wondering what i did wrong. the question i ask myself everytime is why? i finally think that i came up with an answer to that dreaded question. the answer is because when that one guy starts paying attention to me and complimenting me and making me feel wanted it feels so right, but that's where i'm WRONG because its not right and they don't even give a shit. its not about lying to me but telling the truth and being honest with me. i'm so blind all of the time. however, this time is different. steve's been gone over seven months and still has about a month left before he can come home and i can see him again. since he first left in january to go back to japan, i thought a lot about things. what we talked about the night before he left and how i decided to wait for him to come home. i'm not going to lie, this is one of the hardest things i've ever done and i've never done this before, but it seems so right. in march he left for iraq. i don't get to talk to him that much but when i get to hear his voice i melt and it makes me want to cry [not in a bad way] because i know that he's ok and will one day be allowed to leave that place. i've missed his last few IMs online because i wasn't by my phone or on my computer but i know that he's ok and it makes things a whole lot better. i've been waiting patiently for him to return and i know that soon i'll get to see him again. life throws some pretty wicked curve balls at me and i was never able to deal with them, but i'm starting to grow up and actually open my eyes and realize that things aren't so bad after all. as i sit in my room i wonder about the future and where i'm headed. its a scary place but one day things will be alright ...