Hey you guys. Its been a while since I last updated and there's been so much that I've wanted to say. Steve came home last week [Oct. 7] and I was so scared and nervous to see him since it had been nine months. From the moment I walked in the door at Matt's, I thought that things were meant to be. We embraced each other and he gave me a kiss, but that turned in to unwanted feelings and not knowing what was going on. In the last eight days, I've only seen him three times. This is something that I've wanted for so long and now that its here, I slowly see it slipping from view. I can't be with someone that isn't going to want to be with me, been there done that before and I don't want it again. He leaves in under a month anyway, but it just sucks. I feel like I've spent the last nine months of my life just waiting around for something that I knew deep down inside wasn't going to happen anyway. Why don't I ever listen to my gut feelings? They're normally always right anyway ... I've been working at the bookstore at the mall for just about two months now and I noticed these cute Cingular boys. I just started talking to them and the one Craig is amazing. Its weird how life does that to you. Its made me really put the whole Steve situation into perspective and not just because I met another guy but because Craig reminds me so much of Tyler, who I compare every guy too. Man oh man, things are so weird right now. I mean I can sit on the phone with Craig for an hour and just laugh and say stupid shit or go over his house and play the 360 and we make fun of each other and its great. I hang out with Steve and I feel partly uncomfortable and like I don't fit in with him and his friends. Maybe its because I'm younger then them or I don't do the things they do. I don't believe in God, as most of you know, but me and Chanel were talking about all of this and we think its fates way of showing me that I can date a really nice guy who actually wants to be with me over someone that I would question. Any advice? My birthday is in eleven days too and I'm not actually looking forward to that. No one from my family is going to be home so I'll probably be working and then going out with my friends because they won't forget or at least I hope they won't forget. Every year since my brother's death, my birthday has gotten worse and worse. Maybe its because I'm not going to be 21 yet and my friends are older or maybe its just because people are to caught up in their own lives to worry about anyone else. It completely sucks but you get used to it. Hopefully this birthday is better than the last one, not gift wise or anything but because my friends won't forget and they'll make the day special for me :] I love them dearly ... Well I must be going, I have to start getting ready for work and I'm having breakfast with Craig :] I'm on a roll lately and I'm actually finally happy surprisingly regarding the circumstances. Hope that you guys have a great day and wish me luck on my Japanese midterm on Wednesday.