Today marks year number five since my brother's been dead. I always tell myself that things will get easier but they never do. It seems that as the older I get the more I need him in my life to guide me and give me advice about things that I can't talk to certain people about. I wish that he was hearing watching me grow and helping me rather than looking down on me and shaking his head. I wish I wasn't such a disappointment. I go to church once a year for the anniversary of his death and this year we went this past Sunday. It seemed like a shorter service but it wasn't. They announced his name like they do every year and for once I didn't cry. I wanted to so bad but I felt like I couldn't. I cry a lot now and I cried last night and this morning about everything. I cry for a few seconds and then I'm ok but it seems like there aren't any tears left for me to cry. I wanted my brother to be proud of me but I know that he isn't. I know that if he was still alive I wouldn't cut myself nor think about killing myself [the feelings are getting better] and I know that I would be able to sleep at night without waking four or five times every night. I know that I wouldn't take aspirin to make my problems disappear and I know that I wouldn't cry as much as I have. I know that I wouldn't have done a lot of things because he wouldn't have allowed me to make such stupid decisions in my past. I wanted to be his kid sister forever and now he's just another one to add to the death count number. Everyday I wish about being able to change the past. I wish I could invite a time machine just to spend one last day with him and tell him exactly how I feel. I wish that I could have changed things and made him see things differently. I wish I could talk to him rather than just look and feel stupid talking to myself because no one ever answers. I wish that he would help guide me and tell me that everything would be ok. I wish that I didn't have to be like this but its been three years since it all started and I doubt it will ever change. I hate life today :/ RIP Jim 9/1/77 - 12/5/01