So I only started thinking about this topic recently because of my upcoming English paper, which I finished today. I got into thinking about whether or not there really was a God. I know that some people are going to be offended by this but fuck off because this is my diary and I can write whatever I goddamn please and if I make you mad I'm sorry but you must always remember that these are my thoughts not yours. It seems like no one even knows if there ever was a God, it could be all this made up shit to get you to believe in things and to try and change your life. For fuck suck though I wish there were some answers. Its sad that you can only get to heaven if you repent your sins and believe in God well frankly I don't care anymore if I go to hell. It just seems like the famous creator would rather see me hurting than be happy and it totally fucking blows. Maybe I'm just thinking to into this because the anniversary of my brother's death is in one month and two days but for serious. September through December are the hardest months of the year for me and it seems like that's when I breakdown the most which blows. I've pretty much gotten over it but it still kills me. I mean he was like the only thing I had and I still miss him dearly. Everyone says the past is the past and yeah I know that nothing I say or do can change that. Stop living in the past and live for the future ... yada yada yada ... Well maybe I can't repress those days or forgot about it all together. Why I can't do that I haven't figured out yet? Maybe its just because I'm really lonely again but I seriously wish that I had some answers and could be happy everyday like I was before. I just don't understand life but believe me, I wish that I could because then I could change everything that was making me miserable. Wait, I take that back. The things that are making me miserable I never say good-bye to because I can't. I wish that I could be the strong Erin that I was this time four years ago but I'm not. I'm the weakest person I know and I cry for no reason and it just doesn't make any sense. Everyone gets mad when I say this but I don't care. Sometimes I just wish that I would have killed myself eight and a half months ago when I was going to. All of my friends will say something different about that but I really do wish I would have. I don't want to be miserable and unhappy anymore but I just can't change that and it fucking blows. Aaaggghhh I have nothing left to say