God. I just want to curl up and die. I must be the stupidest person in the freaking history of the freaking world! I should calm down and explain this. But it's hard to explain and hard to breathe. I'm so frustrated with myself. I haven't drunk anything since December, but I wrecked myself yesterday. Boy did I ever. I must be thinking in the back of my mind, "What's the best way to screw yourself?" and that must have been my best plan. I hardly wanted to walk or talk. I just wanted to throw all that crap up. Well, at least thats how I felt when I got home. Before, at school, I was laughing like a hiyena. (Er h/e u spell it)Well, anyway, I didn't even get a hangover. And I'm alright. Just fine. It's just that everything doesn't make sense. I admit, a while ago I told Dwayne I loved him. Give or take two weeks ago. And I meant it. I love Taneisha to. I told her that. And I meant it. And I just started thinking about what I did. And they've both hurt me plenty. And they'd both do anything for me. Which makes it harder and harder for me to hurt myself or to hurt them. I know, I can feel, that I belong with them both. But I don't know which one I should be with. And I'm not rushing to make a choice. I know 18 year olds that haven't made one solid choice in their lives, and I'm only 14. O God, but I do need to know what the hell I think I'm doing here. Cuz I don't know. O God! Save me someone! I'm on ditz mode. I can't think, I can't talk, I can't respond. It's all over my head. To make it even worse, I think about them both night and day. Night and Day! In fact, I just want to call Dwayne now and tell him everything. About everything. He won't understand, but he'll make everything okay. TaNeisha will try to understand, and will be blown, but she'll accept it. O God. What have I done? Why do I ruin every good thing that I ever have? I want to cry to Dwayne cuz he'll come over. TaNeisha is in school today. She wouldn't come anyway. She'd make it better. And she'd want to come. But she wouldn't. I make her seem like a monster. She's not. She's an angel. The best Angel in the world. I make him seem like an angel too. He's not. He's human. But I love them both. I just need to sort this all out.