Well... things has been okay I guess. Today kinda sucked, I really can't stand the people at my school. It's like I want all of them to just fuck off. And sometimes, I think I regret getting with him. I don't know... maybe I'm just acting dumb.

[[ Name ]] - Kristina [[ Nicknames]] - Kris, Tina [[ Astrological sign ]] - `ol moody Cancer. [[ Chinese zodiac sign ]] - Dragon =) [[ Location ]] - Cali [[ Current Haircolor ]] - Drk brown [[ Eyecolor ]] - Drk brown [[ Parents still together ]] - Yep. [[ Siblings ]] - 1 younger sister; 1 younger brother [[ Pets ]] - I don't believe in domestication. [[ In school/graduated ]] - In school [[ What do you drive ]] - About to take my written test soon. But nope, no car. [[ Black/White/Color ]] - Color. [[ Black/White ]] - Black. [[ Red/Blue ]] - Blue. [[ Dogs/Cats ]] - None! But if I really had to choose, I guess a dog. But dude I wanna be a cat so bad! [[ Roses/Daisies ]] - Roses, so romantic... [[ Beer/Liquor ]] - Liquor. [[ Hair: Short/Long ]] - Shoulder length kinda but layered. [[ Hair: Natural/Dye ]] - Natural [[ Boots/Shoes ]] - Shoes [[ Food: Mexican/Italian ]] - Italian [[ Dark/Light ]] - Dark [[ Day/Night ]] - oOoOhhh.. definitely night. There's just something about the air in the night that brings the best out of me. It feels like I can just be myself. [[ City/Country ]] - City... [[ Color ]] - Blue... these questions are starting to confuse me >.Orange soda! [[ Food ]] - Vietnamese spring rolls.. yumm. [[ Book ]] - I like too many. Wuthering Heights... Borrowed Light... and several more that I can't name off the top of my head. [[ Band ]] - Taking Back Sunday, My Chemical Romance, Senses Fail... this list goes on. [[ CD ]] - MXPX. 2 of `em. At The Show and Before Everything And After. [[ Song ]] - over and over - My Chemical Romance`s "I'm Not OK (I Promise)" [[ Movie ]] - chickflix. [[ Extracurricular Activity ]] - Varsity tennis bitches. [[ Color your hair ]] - Probably not. Psh. Like I'm gonna be a typical asian girl like that. [[ Have tattoos ]] - Nah. [[ Piercings ]] - Only my ears. [[ Brands ]] - Baby phat, XOXO but blah. It doesn't matter much but I'm spotted w/ those the most. [[ Stolen anything ]] - Yeah. [[ Are you psycho ]] - Um.. YEAH! [[ Split personalities ]] - Kinda. [[ Obsessive ]] - Nah not really anymore. Well a part of me still have that obsessiveness. Haha. [[ Compulsive ]] - Kinda. [[ Panic ]] - Not really. [[ Anxiety ]] - Sometimes. [[ Depressed ]] - Yeah but I've been more happier with him in my life. No not God, my boyfriend. [[ Obsessed with hate ]] - Ha.. it seems like that, doesn't it? [[ Mutilate animals ]] - No... [[ Idolize infamous - criminals ]] - I guess I can't help it but I just love Bonnie & Clyde. That's an awesome thing there. [[ Kissed someone: ]] - Yep. [[ Been in love: ]] - Kinda. [[ Kept a secret from everyone: ]] - Yeah. But that's perfectly normal right? Right. [[ Had an imaginary friend: ]] - Yeah! [[ Called or seen a psychic: ]] - Seen one but she told me the price and we just walked out. [[ Ever cried at a chick flick: ]] - Yeah... I can't help it! [[ Had a crush on a teacher: ]] - Ooh a substitute. A substitute always around my school. [[ Found a cartoon character attractive: ]] - Yeah! Some anime. [[ Prank called someone: ]] - Yeah. Oh but now that I think about it, I feel bad. [[ Eaten a whole box of cookies and thought you were fat after: ]] - Nope but there are plentiful of times where I overate and felt so fat. [[ Been on stage: ]] - Yeah. [[ Gotten in a car accident: ]] - Yeah, it was no biggie. [[ Wear eye shadow: ]] - Hardly. [[ Have a dog: ]] - No... [[ Want a tattoo and where: ]] - Hm I don't really know yet. [[ Have any regrets: ]] - Um I used to but now, I think it's okay. So I don't really have regrets. Except some chances I didn't take but I'm perfectly okay without 'em. [[ Have any fetishes: ]] - Yeah. [[ Crush: ]] - My boyfriend! Shh... [[ Do you have a best friend: ]] - Yeah! [[ Who do you go to for advice: ]] - Liz and my sister. They seem to be the ones that know me the best and they're the most wise. They won't feed me bullshit like everyone else. And they won't judge me. [[ Who knows all your secrets?: ]]- No one, but I tell a lotta things to Liz and Betty. [[ Who do you cry with: ]] - Myself. I can't really stand it when people see me cry. [[ God/Devil: ]] - Um. God. [[ Yourself: ]] - Yeah, that's me. [[ Your friends: ]] - Are great. [[ Aliens: ]] - Most likely exist. [[ Love: ]] - Is weird and confusing but hey, in the end, maybe all that pain or waiting was worth it! [[ One person for everyone?: ]] - Yep =)

Legend for the sloww>>S = him K = me S: i just finished another stencil =) K: u nd ur stencils.. K: its like ur married to it or something S: haha no S: i love you more S: than anything! K: =) S: even stencil making . . . S: =) ---------------- Awww. He's so sweet. Today was pretty good I guess. But it was kinda dull and besides, I didn't get to see my boyfriend at all. 1st of all, I woke up xtra early [we're talking 5 something am here] to go to the Fila Cancer Challenge. It's a 5k/10k walk/run and my sister and I were volunteering to help. And at first, I was super hyper and it was fun but I died out later. Like I bought the pancake breakfast which wasn't that great, it was a waste of 5 bux. Then I came back to discover they have stripped me of my job because they decided that they only needed 2 people to hand out the goody bags and t-shirts. But I helped my sister but I saw she didn't really need help. Then I wasn't feeling well so I went away for a while. A pretty long while. And when I came back, I was like wayyyy confused because everything was scattered and my mom came and picked up early. And then I came home, my boyfriend wasn't online so I e-mailed him because I needed him so desperately. Then I went back to the Cancer Challenge. And yeah, surprisingly, I actually did help out a lot. It was okay. We never got our free goody bags as promised in the e-mail because they all ran out and none were left for the volunteers. We should've been priority! But I got a long-sleeve shirt and a small short-sleeve shirt. But the goody bag was sooo cool, it had candies, a cd, a hat, and a whole bunch of other cool things! But nope, never got 'em. And when my sister finally agreed to go walk around with me [to see the booths], people were already tearing them down so it was like whatever. Dumbass sister... Then I came home and went to go see The Grudge with Betty. We walked from her house to Laemmelle`s, it was an old theater approximately 1.4 miles from us or so. The Grudge wasn't that good. Everyone made it sound as if it was so frickin scary and awesome or something. But it was very disappointing and I didn't get scared that much. ::sighs:: But the whole day, I was thinking about him. I can't take my mind off him because I'm always longing to be with him. I'm falling for him, I think.

Oh wow. I'm so sore and tired. Well, today started out okay. I met up with Sergio at the library as usual and then waited for the class. Then we sat in a table together to correct eachother's essays. So we all had to take out our essays so we could correct them. Problem was, Sergio forgot my essay in his book. I was upset for awhile. But I got over it! Besides, I can't really get mad at him. Even though I pretended I was and he felt bad and when we had to turn it in at the end, he asked the teacher if I could turn it in later because it was his fault. Aww. I went to go call my mom to bring my flashcards for my 3rd period test because I forgot 'em! But she said she couldn't find 'em and my sister problem took it. And then Annie and I disappeared for a long time because she kept trying to fix her ``schoolgirl costume``. And when she was done, she didn't like how it looked so she just wore her normal clothes over it again. Then we went to the food court at the library and bought some food and at last went back to class. The whole table was like being dickheads. They're like "Hey you got something around your mouth" and trying to hint that we were doing something. And my boyfriend was just sitting there quiet. And then he didn't really talk to me. But I didn't really want to talk either because I was upset that I didn't have my flashcards. It took me an eternity to do those flashcards and I seriously needed to study and damnit! It had me mad. And then after class, we went to wait for the bus outside. And the damn school bus took forever. And I just stood there with Sergio, holding hands. And we totally missed homeroom and arrived super late for Nutrition. So all of us had to go get our late pass for homeroom and then Sergio and I ran to the student store to buy food! Because dude, I eat a lot and I need food. Then during 3rd, Ms. Grings wasn't even here so there wasn't any test. I just went on xanga and did stuff and read stuff and yeah. Stuff. During Lunch, I hanged out with Sergio of course. I got Subway. Oh the student store lady is so nice! She got it for me! I don't even work there! And then 5th was boring and my teacher keeps dawging me like crazy. Grr. Two can play that game! I can't stand that class anymore because of him disliking me. But yeah I'll just deal with it. I left early to help set up the haunted house and it was kinda okay. I didn't stay to scare people and grab them. And then during Halloween Activity Hour, I met up with Sergio and Betty and we were all so bored, walking around. Then Betty went outside and so it was just the two of us and we just sat down and talked. And tagged on eachother's hands! Haha. I wrote all these stupid crap on his hand. He wrote "I love you Kristina" on my hand. He does that like every day now! And afterschool, we walked to the tennis courts and Belmont was using them so: WOW -- WE SPENT SOME FRKIN GOOD TIMES TOGETHER. It was awkward because we were sitting on a hill, facing a big traffic so everyone kept staring at us. Like a car with the whole family was staring. And I used to be so anti-PDA [public display of affection] but what was I suppose to tell him? If you would've told me to get a room, well... where could we have gone anyways??? Also, my first article was published in the school's newspaper. Ooh. Accomplishment. It was whatever, it was just Q&A/interview thing. I have a copy of it and so does Sergio =) We got so close today and I'm too deep into this to get out because it's totally serious now. Today was just a -WOW- day because I spent a lot and I mean A LOT of quality time with him. Then later on, Betty's dad drove Betty, Jenny, Sammy and I to this event in CT called One Dark Night. It was suppose to be like this haunted house thing but it really wasn't that scary. We waited in this line and I got so impatient. The first house was like educational stuff about "social issues". Then there was the haunted house one... and then... another haunted house/religious stuff one... I think. I can't really recall but when people banged from behind the plastic bags, it startled me and I screamed but nobody really got you or touched you so it was so little kiddies. But then we kicked it at Alpine for a while and then got picked up. Then I got picked up at Betty's house... they were doing love tarot cards AGAIN. I do that every time but I didn't need those love tarot cards today.

Dude I actually wrote a pretty long entry yesterday, only for it to not work! Dumb site. Oh well. I can't even remember what I wrote so I'll just write what's been happening in my life lately. 10.04.04-10.19.04 Broked up with my boyfriend and at one point, I couldn't help but cry. I got kicked out of math class and I don't know, I've never been kicked out of class before. It was just horrible and I needed him so bad but I broked up with him the day before... so he wasn't really there for me. And it seemed like he didn't care. Linda was all,"Why did you listen to people?! You shouldn't have broken up with him!" But yeah I did. I feel less guilty. But I'm okay now because we're still good friends and yesterday, he still cared. He may not call like he always does but he still cares =) Plus, I got a new guy in my life and today was pretty okay. Even though Sergio didn't came to school because he went to a protest. We were still able to meet in the morning at the library and it was frickin cold. During 1st, everyone's just lying down on the ground comfortably because we were reading The Scarlet Letter out loud as a class. And so it was a relaxed thing, I just lied down. During 3rd, my computer wasn't working so I didn't do much for the first hour and nyeh, I have to make it up later. During 5th, we did a quick quiz and then went to a Scripps presentation (just a few of us). It was pretty cool. I think I want to apply to Scripps College now. Oh and I finally talked to Liz yesterday, haven't talked to her lately. And the conversation lasted an hour or so and it reminded me of why she was my best friend in the first place. I was all happy afterwards. Life is pretty good right now but sometimes, it gets hard because of drama from people or just not getting along with parents. We had a long arguement yesterday. It was parents vs my sister and I. Can't tell who really won the arguement either. They just don't understand us. Well, that's all I have to say for now. 4 ALWAYS ND ALWAYS, KRiS

i typed and typed about my weekend and positive memories and thoughts. as i saved, sitdiary logs me out. why? who knows?

Bittersweet, you’re gonna be the death of me I don’t want you but I need you I love you and hate you at the very same time.

i am seriously missing the late-night conversations about everything. i hate stupid full-time jobs that leave guys tired. i feel so desperate for a good conversation because i thrive on those. but it is 26 minutes past midnight and there is really no one to talk to. i have really distanced myself from everyone. the physical distance was already there but there is just some other distance created that i cannot even articulate or identify. i cannot befriend people in riverside and if i do, they are so short-living. it's just that i feel as if every girl is just superficial here and they're always looking for party. i have grown out of that. i just want someone to go out with and not be all crazy about partying. i don't want people up in my face about sorority and clubbing and all that. and yeah, i am pretty sure that there are people out there who aren't in sororities and don't go clubbing. but they feel so weird because they are so different from me. i seriously feel so sadly disconnected from the world and i realize that i am only now reaching out to people when they've been reaching out to me in the past. and all i basically did was push them away and flaked out on them. argh. i am a flawed person, i know. i guess there's just so many things about me that i need to change and re-invent. until then, i am this measly person of nothing.

"How do we get there with the complexities and pressures of our current lifestyles? Perhaps it’s a matter of becoming aware of what we truly have as opposed to what our egos believe we need. If we look closely, we may find that our ego ‘needs’ are just desires. When you find yourself longing for something, stop and ask, "What is missing from my life? Is it a need? What are the essential qualities of what I seek? How can I experience that now?"

Your Love Life Secrets Are Looking back on your life, you will have a few true loves. You're a little scarred from your past relationships, but who isn't? It's important to you that your lover is very attractive. You like to have someone to show off. In fights, you love to debate and defend yourself. You logic prevails - or at least you'd like to think so. You have a hard time ending relationships, even if the other person says it's over. Your Love Life Secrets, Revealed What Your Latte Says About You You are very decadent in all aspects of your life. You never scale back, and you always live large. You can be quite silly at times, but you know when to buckle down and be serious. You have a good deal of energy, but you pace yourself. You never burn out too fast. You're addicted to caffeine. There's no denying it. You are responsible, mature, and truly an adult. You're occasionally playful, but you find it hard to be carefree. You are honest and genuine, but you are never tactless. What Does Your Latte Say About You? What Your Bathroom Habits Say About You You are very independent and self-centered. You don't solve other people's problems - and you don't expect them to solve yours. Your look is put together, classic, and stylish. You always look fashionable without trying. You are a little shy and easily embarrassed. You often wonder if you are normal. In relationships, you are practical and realistic. You have a romantic side, but you only let it out when it's appropriate. What Do Your Bathroom Habits Say About You? You Are Sunrise You enjoy living a slow, fulfilling life. You enjoy living every moment, no matter how ordinary. You are a person of reflection and meditation. You start and end every day by looking inward. Caring and giving, you enjoy making people happy. You're often cooking for friends or buying them gifts. All in all, you know how to love life for what it is - not for how it should be. What Time Of Day Are You?

i saw part of my last entry and why does everything appear so sad? my past several entries are just downright depressing. i don't know, am i happy? i wish i could be. i wish i knew what would make me happy.

“I think I’d be a gardener in a woods just for children, and when they came by I’d sit and listen to their wonderings. And the ocean would be nearby. I’d live in a little house on the shore. At dawn I’d stripped off all my clothes and swim. At night I’d sing a song about the way life used to be. It would be such a sad song it would make the grownups nod and the children cry. But I’d sing it every night so that no one would ever confuse nostalgia with wanting to return.” -Stone Butch Blues, Leslie Feinberg As much as I dreaded reading this book in the beginning, since it was an assigned reading for a class, I have grown to love it. I found myself unable to put the novel down just because it was so interesting and the words were so captivating. It had expressed ideas I could not, it had explained tumultuous emotions in words that flowed ever so poetically and beautifully.

"Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life." -- Mary Manin Morrissey Journaling is a great way to release and let go. To get things off your chest. Our minds are our own worst enemies. The same thoughts go round and round in the same old ways and keep us stuck. If something bothers you, write about it. Get it out so you can see it from a different perspective. Let it out. Let it go.

Many of us have been taught to believe that we are valued for what we do, not just for who we are. ‘Doing’ is important, but to keep life in balance, we also need time to just ‘be.’

Not conscious - instinctual, follower Subconscious - habitual, robotic, reactive Conscious - aware, intelligent, conceptual, reflective Superconscious - intuitive, guiding, truthful, loving, universal

sometimes when you get what you want, you miss out on the things you left behind.

Practice detachment As our consciousness rises, our perspective becomes more and more impersonal. What does this mean? It means we are increasingly able to view our lives and the rest of the world with detachment. This does not mean we are cold and uncaring. Rather, we are self-contained. We have well-defined boundaries and we are able to think and act objectively, clearly and responsibly. When we have learned detachment, we do not get hooked into the thoughts and feelings of others. We are not easily upset or manipulated. We may feel compassion for others but this does not cloud our ability to choose how we think, feel and behave. We also do not need others to behave in any particular way.

Girl, you wanted To shut it all off and make a run for the door It's so hard To make it For every inch we get we need a mile more But there is always so much distance can't but feel it somehow And you have never ever felt it like you feel it right now I'm closing off inside and it is only just starting But you can't be close enough unless I'm feeling your heart beat All of your love Is all that I need All of your love Is all that I need Girl What are you doing now? And are you going out? Or has your life shut down? Are you there? This thing keeps cutting out I feel like freaking out But we keep reaching out But there is always so much distance can't but feel it somehow And you have never ever felt it like you feel it right now I'm closing off inside and it is only just starting But you can't be close enough unless I'm feeling your heart beat All of your love Is all that I need All of your love Is all that I need Girl It's hard enough Just to move around, yeah It's hard enough Just to move around I wanted you Oh, I wanted you Girl I wanted you to move Oh, I wanted you Girl I wanted you Oh, I wanted you to move Around Around All of your love Is all that I need All of your love Is all that I need [Repeat till end]

we were meant to besuppose to be but we lost it.

i miss him so much. i just want to talk to him, that's all i want. i don't care if he has a somebody in his life. i don't care if we don't make out or have sex when we see each other. what i'm just yearning is that intellectual conversation about injustices in our society. i just want to catch up on each other's lives and see how he's doing in a new environment and community. you know, i just really want him as a friend. just somebody to talk to about things and actually feel as if they're listening and actually having them talk back and form a discussion. i have a feeling i won't hear from him for a while, perhaps months. saddens me that our friendship operates this way. i wish he would make of an effort to be my friend and to know what's going on. but i know months afterward, when we do talk, he seems so eager so i guess he's making himself anticipate our meeting. last time, he told me he would be really sad the day he can't see me anymore. so i guess that's a guarantee i'll see him in the future. but two months have passed since our last meeting and i am really anticipating the next time we're going to see each other. i hope it's soon.