know that saying, how 'you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone.'? well i know what i've got. and i don't want to lose it. but right now, i'm facing losing it. i think i've known it for a while, just haven't been able to admit it to myself. basically, i'm facing potentially being sent back to south africa to live with my abusive father. and my mother's just forced me to accept that.