Walked away, heard them say, "Poson hearts will never change. Walk away again." Turned away in disgrace. Felt the chill upon my face cooling from within. --- School days until May 28: 14 on Monday.. Such a long time has passed since the last time I have typed an entry, the entry where worthless letters are formed together in words, in which those will never make sense as they form the sentences and phrases that represent the thoughts of myself, which many choose to overlook even if I do voice it to them. Many just read what I have to say and in response they say nothing as obviously many do not care. Was I missed or even thought of in the time I was away from the computer for the reason of the computer in the office getting that new virus/worm thing that was released? Did anyone think maybe I finally did go through with killing myself? I doubt such things, as always my absence was overlooked just as everything else I do is. All but academic things anymore. I might as well face it should I not? John will bask in the sports glory as he tends to be GREAT at every little sport he does, and "Never would my mom see the day that he has better grades than me." John also gets the praise and worshipping from my father, and Nick gets the same from my mother. And what am I? The offspring who will slowly cease to exist in the lives of my family and friends, I am a random person simply for the attention factor. Fuck, that was the biggest whining bit I have ever done but it really matters none as I satisfied myself just from typing it. So, again, I have no idea what I want to be with my life I have no idea how to be prepared for the SAT or College I have no idea what college I even want to attend for that matter. I DO know that any chance of success is gone. And what happened since the last time I spoke on this ever so lovely site? -ponders- Dana and I got in a fight at school, stupidity I know but she started the whole thing in the middle of the hallway, not I and my anger would not let me to not do anything in return. She slapped me, and I pulled her hair in addition to the many kicks/punches I gave her while she scratched or slapped at me the reward for doing such was four days in the In School Room. Exciting yes? Courtny is going to be moving back to California after a little over two years of living in this state of Georgia, on Monday. Just another of all the friends to be lost. I got my Geometry grade lowered two points, my mother yelled, even after it went back up three more points not two days later from the test. I received a 94 on my History project which counted for 20 percent of my final grade and she wanted more out of me and complained that I could do better. A 90 was a grade on a test in Biology, my highest test grade since the beginning of the semester and still, she complained. The grade of myself in Spanish reached the mark 99.8 and all I got in return was a "good job" void of the enthusiasm which should have been behind it. Three houses burned down in my neighborhood from a frickin moron not putting a cigarette out correctly. Nick and I got into a huge physical fight and he scratched a good deal of my skin away and on my hand there are now tears from where he bit me. I would say the cause for this fight but that is of no importance. The few friends that I had told me that if I was going to have an attitude that I did not care about anything than obviously I would not care about them never speaking to me again. The "dark/gothic" people in the school called me a poser and other such lame words because I got into a large argument with one of their favorite friends so as always, something stupid is turned into a much big deal, so I have two people whom have not walked away and even then they still speak of high criticism to me. I got told by the Psychologist teacher that I show the symptoms of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Insomnia and Depression in addition to having a fear of insects/reptiles/amphibians. Leonard volunteered me to the teacher for a demonstrated little couch-sitting experience for diagnosing someone in the AP class. Now to present day... Van Helsing came out today. Did anyone see it? I heard good and bad things about it from different people I am still going to be seeing it even if Moneca, who is much like me told me it sucked for I have been awaiting the arrival of such a movie since I saw the previews and all the little specials on it, that and my love for the immortals will not let me to not see it. A book suggestion for the lovers of the immortals, 'Salem's Lot by Stephen King rocks. It is not Anne Rice material or any such thing but still it did not let me down any as it has a strong tie to Dracula as he did use his inspiration from that novel anyway. -shrug- I was supposed to go to a Join Us In Space show tonight but Moneca's parents, Sharon and Butch and their friends Mary and Dave came Thursday night and we were supposed to go out to dinner or something but that did not happen so of course, my plans I had were put off for a reason I still do not know of. -sigh- I got bored last night, usually when this occurs I attempt to write and make sense of the words into poems/songs or stories or something but no I counted the scars on my body, well those that were brought on by my own hand. I discovered there were fifteen on both my wrists, twenty or so on my ankles/legs/hips and then there was the spider, alone and the newest add-on of words would be AFI on my right forearm though many think I just drew it on with black sharpie, though everyone just thinks I drew it on with a black sharpie and no one gets close enough to me as I do not let them, no matter who they be, to see the holes from piercing my own skin that way. I do not think for those numbers to be enough, and each night there will be new additions as the nights where I cry myself to sleep have returned, the days where I trudge along have returned the overwhelming feeling of nothingness and being lost has returned and the weeks slowly turn into months that will only result in wasted years have returned. Cutting has returned... Crying has returned... I am forever surrounded in the darkness, for all eternal suffering in the length of my life. 15 years dead, I am.. I leave now to go watch The Virgin Suicides, The Heathers, Edward Scissorhands and Ed Wood as sleep will apparently not come to me, as it has not for two days and again, both coinciding with each other the appetite of myself has been just as slim as the hours of sleep I find each night. May you think, because without it we are nothing. -_- It's hard to notice gleaming from the sky when you're staring at the cracks. It's hard to notice what is passying by with eyes lowered...