I have told you things need to change. You never listened or came to my aid. The viscious cycle has not changed. My time's spent rearranged. Motherfuck it all, I can't stand this. Remember when I said everyone makes me sick? Well nothing has changed. --- Someone asked me if I would fuck a living thing besides a human, in their stupid little random survey sent to my email, which is the constant reminder that I should have never given it to people to begin with. How I hate the forwards, I really do. "If you send this to 15 people you will find out who you will be with for the rest of your life." Yeah, go fuck a dog, that is who YOU will be with every day and night until you are 80 and die of lung cancer. A dog is a great thing to be with, the only bad part would be their ability to bite certain parts off, but other than that he will not make a noise as you rape it. Then, if your sick mind even goes that far to do it AND tape it, then I hope it has rabies and bites you. And your true rabid self will be revealed. Yeah, you are a fucking moron, Mark. Que Jess's Book-writing-in-the-process that is to be completed in the town of Might As Well Be Nowhereville: A very unintelligent highschool male by the name of Mark while he was still somewhat stoned and drunk decides to have a go with his friend's, Brad, German Shepard who just so happens to have rabies but the friends are too busy seeing spots to notice the obvious signs. Thinking that it would just be hilarious to film Mark while he did this the morons, Brad, Mark, Kyle, Tyler, Abe stood laughing and taping while Mark got ready to mount the dog which was sleeping lazily on the front porch. [I cannot give you the nice sex scene details, that is saved for the book.] The dog in the process of the stupidity bites at Mark's male member, but misses but makes full contact with his arm and Mark is now a rabid human. Months go by before Mark starts acting like a dog and every night he returns to the German Shepard to howl like dogs do, except he is the one doing the howling. The dog dies and Mark soon goes crazy with rabies until he is 80 years old and still hunting dogs down at night before dying of lung cancer due to smoking at the age of 17. And it will be called The Fetish of Canines: Rejected too many times. Yeah, that had no purpose to it if you were not someone that goes by the name of Mark Cottle. I was tied down to a fucking chair and forced to watch that video tape at Robbie's graduation party on Saturday night. Yeah, males are stupid and then the combination of drunk and high are even worse, hence the making of a video of one of them fucking a god damn dog. And the other contents of the video were just as bad. And that, Attila, is not why I spoke of the party I went to. Katilyn asked me today what the worst feeling was and after thinking of it for quite some time I decided that it was: The feeling of having to hold things back from people. So many people are in my life that if not for seeing them more than I would want to, or for the rest of my life that I would honestly yell and scream at them exactly what I think/feel about them. Not even those people, if I was to tell Mark honestly what I thought of him than Courtny would be mad at me and I cannot afford that. So really, it is the constant hiding of feelings about people. I cannot bring myself to tell the people I sat with at lunch how much I dislike them nor tell them that I never really liked them. Instead, I am forced to sit there and roll my eyes at many of their comments and act like a friend to them. On the day before my life is over, as I do not think I will let it take me, I will tell everyone exactly what I think of them. It sounds like one of those what you want to do before you die lists but that would be the only thing on it. Someone told me to just tell them what I was feeling/thinking. If I did that, then I would have to deal with another argument. So no, I have to force my comments back and not say anything to them. Katilyn also told me that I am two entirely different people online and in real life. And of course she would be right, she always is, the perfect student and cheerleader that every teacher loves. In person I do not have to look to the people, I do not have to see them, they do not have to see the ugliness so I tend to just be the quiet observant person to those at school. Online, no one knows what I look like, therefore who I "really" am is emerged since I no longer have to worry about what people think of how I look and why I continously get stared at. No, the only thing they stare at are words with the occasional odd face. I explained this to her, but she played the dumb act and said she was only kidding when she said that. Today, was spent sitting around the house with this really ugly red mark on my neck making it hard to turn the head at a certain angle and breath at times. No thanks to James when we were in the pool yesterday. Ehhh... it sucked. He wrapped his arm around my neck and forced me to walk near the hose that was being used to add more water to the pool not spray it directly at people. The water was so frickin cold, I enjoyed the warmth of the water in the pool not that being placed inside it which is why I resisted standing near it. This is the kid that is going to be with us in Pensacola due to John's tournament. I do not know that I have spoke of that yet so I might as well do so now. John is going down to Pensacola, Florida for a baseball tournament it starts on Friday night. So John, Nick, Mother, James and myself will leave on the date of June 18 in the mini-van and go to this hotel that has a pool and behind a mall and while they at the games I will be at the pool and probably walking around a mall since I love it so much. Then after the games we are going to drive up to Pensacola Beach, not that is is a large beach as I discovered last summer. We then return on the 22 only to be leaving for Philadelphia on the 30. -sigh- Not that I will be staying up there with my beloved father. He was such a fucking moron on the phone last night, he kept asking about my drivers ed class since I told him that was one of the reasons for me not going up to his house. It has been two summers in a row that I have not shown up, you would think he would be obvious and see the hint in it but that would be asking too much of him. I lit a candle today for a fallen soldier, I even called up a neighbor of mine and asked him if he knew of a soldier that he served with that died. He gave me one, it is written with yellow chalk on my porch where the candle is still burning. Never would I have thought to do this, but since Attila, you asked so nicely in your entry I decided I might as well do so. May everyone else's Memorial Day go well for them, even if you did nothing to celebrate it, just enjoy a day off school. Unless your Jess and was already off before this day. Bwaha. Oh yeah! My neighbor's son is a moron and sold to me his signed AFI Black Sails E.P. for twenty bucks. ^.^ I did an almost "happy dance" when I got it from him. I did, however, kiss him. Lets all congratulate myself on scamming a kid out of his E.P. when it was more than twice the amount I paid. Your weakness kills everyone so live. -_- You have to pick and choose your fights. You have to come out of this alive. The viscious cycle still not changed. My judgement fades away. You'll never change me. Remember we are through. I am staying here to betray all of you. And nothing will change.