The tension builds but I feel the walls are getting thicker... Secret Window finally to be released: Six.. Ben finally returning-home, to me, to lost times: 20 long, hard days.. --- I think I can compare myself to what alcoholics go through when going sober and then finally going back to the old ways. I thought all was going well..that the violence brought by my own hands and mind, that it had dispersed, would remain that way. I believed that even though my thoughts were no different, that maybe, I really was making the road to recovery. But as always, I let myself down, I let others down and my thoughts mean nothing for they are always WRONG. "The Storm is letting up but it won't die.." Went to Nick's game today but I only ended up reading the driving book so I can finally get my permit and my mom off my case, well no, off my case in the direction of getting it. For then there is my weigh problem, my grades, my medicine, my ugliness, my no friends problem, my constantly calling my youngest brother names, and never having friends over for her to get onto me about. Afterwards was some incredibly stupid basketball party at Stevie B's and I saw Tara and Ashly there so then I said some shit like I hate going places and seeing people I do not like. Jordan then makes some referrance that they are 'hott' -shudders- How I hate that fucking term, how the fuck can someone be hott? No, really, some bother explaining the possibility of that. I understand sexy, beautiful, but HOTT? ...... So they continued looking over at me, I wonder why??!! but my mom, John, and Jordan continously asked why I hated them so much, they even suggested that I was jealous. I was quick to deny that but then I again, fought back tears because secretly maybe I was...I think I am jealous of many just because they can hold up a conversation without getting called stupid or dumb. Or the fact that they are even able to continue a conversation without thoughts of what the other person is really thinking or that they hate you, like everyone else. I walked out to the car after they left and sat in the front seat playing my Chimaira CD as loud as it would let me and just cried. Again, I have made the problems of my life known to those in my life. I do not choose to do so but by ignoring these situations, I gain nothing, but on a side note: I would also like to thank greatly, no express to those that left the positive and reinforcing comments from my last entry and every entry for that matter. A computer, typing, words, no one ever said you must have to hear the voice or the verbal part to have friendships. I know it sounds odd, but I really do love you all- iridescentomen, draqulynlee, Erin, Lu, Kayan, you guys rock! [Sorry in advance for not knowing everyone's real name..] --As promised, with something to think about, I depart from you now.. Played at Jess' daily Depp Film Festival today: Benny and Joon -_- And then I still make believe that I am feeling better