Open wounds in the palms of my hands, festering through infections time. I feel so faint as my life spills over you. Backstep over glass as I repent. I fear I can't prevent myself from spilling your live all over me. --- Yeah, feeling so positive about one thing can only last for so long right? I was sitting on AIM, as I always do when I wake up or return from school[on the usual days, of course] and I was speaking to Dayna about wanting to play guitar and be as good as Jade, which I deem as impossible, but I would probably end up quitting that and not finishing that either. Now that I think back on activities that I have done, there is nothing that I have really done the full way through except academics in school. Everything else I either quit or dropped out of.. qUaCkLiKeAdUcK8 (2:22:09 PM): I wish to be as talented as any of the members of AFI, or the people in HIM and Smashing Pumpkins, but I am not. Damn the missing music gene from me. No! How about the fucking talent gene that is missing? PyrateGrl417 (2:23:13 PM):Lol. But your one hell of a roleplayer. I'd like te be half of what you can put out. Im trying to write a novel. Its been about 3 months and I'm only on chapter 3. [Yeah I have no fucking life so I roleplay while online. What a fucking loser am I?] qUaCkLiKeAdUcK8 (2:26:00 PM): Bwaha. ^.^ Well, er thanks? Heh. I gave up on attempting to write stories, I failed at that too. Just another thing to say I cannot complete without quitting. -_- PyrateGrl417 (2:27:28 PM): Oh thats bollucks. I bet you've completed lots of things. qUaCkLiKeAdUcK8 (2:28:38 PM): No, I have not. I quit band when I played the clarinet, I quit softball, I join clubs and schools and leave them, I quit yearbook, I gave up soccer and cheerleading when I was little. -shrug- Besides grades there is nothing really completed in my life. How grand.. Yeah, that would be some of what was said, or the revelance to what this entry is about. It is fucking true though. I did band in 5th grade and learned the basics of clarinet, I quit it before middle school and if I had not quit I could be a part of marching band while in high school and say that I have participated in something effective. When I was younger I played soccer, I quit that because I was the only girl on the team. I did cheerleading, though it was not the whole flipping and what it is now, no we just did stupid little dance routines and twirled pom-poms and walked in a parade in Philadelphia that was every year and it was always cold when we did it so I have no idea when it was or why it happened, but I have pictures of Moneca and me doing it. Yeah, I quit that too. I have joined many clubs since middle school and my freshman year but I ended up just not showing up to the meetings and eventually dropping out of those as well. I dropped out of yearbook for obvious reasons, but I still could not do a full year of that class because my fear of asking questions got in my way of actually finding it enjoyable and I believe being so fucking anti-social does not help either. I played softball since 4th grade and I quit that last year. I was told I was fucking amazing at hitting, and not to be big-headed but I would have to say I was. But then highschool comes and again, everything seems to lose the good things. The cliques on that team of people who knew each other since they were born were horrible, and even worse was no one making a motion to accept me, my mother told me that I should have been the one trying to be accepted and make the motion to be their friend not wait on them, and if she only knew how many times I did try to some extent. When we had to do warm-ups with partners since I had no one person to call a partner I would just stand there and tie my shoe the whole damn time until they called us in. The favorites played by the coach in all the girls but me, the constant feeling of being nothing to the team, everything led up to my quitting. Oh, and did I mention I tried out for a travelling competition team and got maybe two feet from hitting the damn ball over the fence and still did not make the either the A or B team. Yeah, if that does not do it when the hell would? When I am bored I attempted to write little "fan fics" of movies or books I have read, or even my own creations that my mind thought up. I still have those five notebooks or so sitting in a corner of my room reminding me that I gave up on them, and they are just another thing that tells me I am a failure at almost everything I do. That I cannot finish what I start. The fact that I will never be able to say when I am old and dying, if I make it that far, I have done this and I was on this. No, it will be the opposite. I have nothing to call my own. I cannot write poems and lyrics, I cannot play any musical instrument, I play no competition sports, I cannot take pictures good enough to call them photography, I cannot draw/sculpt/paint or anything that defines someone as an artist, I cannot write like the writers can, I cannot act, I cannot ask people questions to find out what I need to, I cannot make a speech without biting on my lip and being misunderstood, I cannot come off as the person that I am online, I am looked down on by those around me. They tell me "I hate everyone.." So I will never fail at having a strong dislike for the people and things around me. You can count on Jess to hate you and your so-called individualism you stupid frickin poser, there you have it. [Note: Previous statement not exactly directed to everyone, but many. Some, if I did not have to see them for the rest of my life, I would tell them.] Yes, you all may rely on Jess to rant of things I hate and nothing else. Your weakness kills everyone, so live. -_- A small voice in the back of my mind that's whispering words I never want to hear. I pray that you won't hesitate, as you watch me degenerate, to reach in my wounds and extract all my fear. My suffocation, asphyxiation. I've been choking on my own blood.