Hope unknown. Sometimes just waking is surreal. I walk right through the nameless ones. I know that hope's unknown. Sometimes the water feels so real. As I walk through it fills my lungs, my god, I'm drowning. This day never seems to end. This pain, never. This rage I will not let go. --- Hm. So today I went to Six Flags because that was what John said he wanted for his birthday party so he took Jordan and Jeff with him. Nick, tagged along and I invited Arlene to join me. So Arlene and I went off on our own because god knows what would happen if we would have to stand in lines with thirteen-year-old males as we discovered in the car ride back. Man, I thought I constantly thought of sex, or my "mind in the gutter." They were much worse than myself. So while Arlene and I were standing in line to get on these little skybuckets to get to the other side I saw this male with pink and black hair past his shoulders, wearing bondage pants like myself and he even had the eyeliner and pink eyeshadow. I did not really care about his friends, even though they looked sexy in the "goth" look but they did not have make-up or long hair. Arlene said I was a freak and said she would meet up with me later so I walked around and rode the rides with them for the rest of the day. Well, that is, until we go and get high on the back of this train that went around the park. Good stuff... I have, however, established that I am going to be renting out one of those motorized wheelchairs next time I go and pretend to be a handicap. Though next summer I will have my liscence and I will buy a season pass and drive up there every week. But NEVER go during the weekend, unless you do not mind an hour and a half lines for every good ride. Hm? What else happened while I was there? I got several comments about the AFI shirt I was wearing, the one I bought when I went to the concert. Someone told me nice shirt and she had an AFI arm band so I was all "Through our bleeding we are one!" to her and she just stared at me like I was insane and I glared back at her before calling her a Sing the Sorrow trend whore on my way out of the store. I did however get "Through the darkness breaks the light." from a Despair Faction member that I said the same thing to when he commented on my shirt. Then this little "metal-head" said AFI is gay and I flicked him off and asked him what his purpose in saying that was and why he even stated such a stupid phrase to begin with and he just said because they sold-out. I just stared at him before finally adding.. "I could have told you that." Then walked away.[Heard them say, poisoned hearts will never change. Yes, random fucking AFI song. I hope SOMEONE knows what song that is from.] Man, people are fucking morons.. for example, why the hell do you scream on a damn roller coaster? I understand your hands in the air but why the devil do you scream? It is not scary, it is a thrill and if you are scared then why the fuck do you get on? Also, we went on this rocket thing that would spin and then go upside down and each time it did all these girls would scream and I was so fucking tired of everything by that time that I just started yelling. "SHUT UP!" each time they did. Arlene had joined up with me by then so we started mocking them. "Oh my god! We're going to die! Aaaaahhhh!" Amusement parks have their advantages, but they sure as fuck are filled with the many disadvantages like the fucking idiots who show up wearing flip-flops when you know you are going to have to take them off on almost all of the rides. Or the ones that show up in bathing suits, especially the people who do not need to be wearing it and wear the tight shirts that show all their selves hanging out. Oh, and if that was not enough Nick now wants to go to Whitewater for his birthday party. For those that do not reside in Georgia or do not know. Whitewater is the water park that is branched off of Six Flags. I HATE going to that place. At least this year I have the guy swim suit and will not have to worry about the other issues I need to. I honestly hate the girl bathing suits, the guys are much better. Call me a dyke if you want... see that I care any. It would just be another name of the many that I ever got called. Oh, and another interesting thing that happened to myself recently? My grandmother, who I am forced to call Mootzie sent me a little note in the mail that said nothing until the last paragraph where inside the envelope she sent she had also put a father's day card and said for myself, John and Nick to sign the card and then send it back up to my dad to make his day and him so "happy" to receive it from us. What the fuck? Am I not a good enough daughter to not do this on my own? Let alone the fact that a damn card means nothing and he should be happy just to get one, period. We call him each year on his birthday and father's day if that is not good enough then he should just tell us himself and not cry to his damn mother about not getting anything from us. Fuck that, if I even had money I would not be buying my dad, who has given me shit ever since I can remember, a card or a present. My mother is going to be at fault for this shit too, because she is not a good mother and does not take us out and buy things for us to give to her EX husband. I swear to Depp, with a few exceptions my the whold side of my Dad's family is whacko. They are extremely rascist, an example conversation for you between my grandmother and great aunt about selling my great-grandmother's house since she got put to that home. "Who do you think is going to buy her house?" "What happens if it's a black person?" "Oh God. I don't want that, I mean they can be nice people but they are everywhere." Yeah, that is more or less what they said when I was sitting near them. My dad and grandmother make a big deal about religion and follow the Catholic ways of no meat on Friday, but yet my dad has never been to church for a good four years and I do not think my grandmother goes anymore. I know she went every Sunday to go with her mom up at the home, but she's dead so its not like its going to happen anymore. They are the biggest fucking hypocrites in that sense. I mean, my dad brought up the fact that both John and Nick could have their communion and me, my confirmation by now if we had gone to CCD classes or stayed in Catholic church, yet he did not send money down for us to go nor does he even attend. 'Sides my mother was a Lutheran, so its not like she would take us to a Catholic church anyway. And if she did.... I would make the biggest scene about God not being real while inside there. I think I am going to burn the card and not give a damn about what she will say to me, my brothers, or my dad when he does not get the card. That is fucking insane that she would even do something like that to begin with. In the note she sent along with the blank card she said that she did not do this to make me angry, but to make my dad know that we care. At first I found it hilarious and I laughed until I cried, but then I read it again and thought that she practically thinks that we are no good to our father after "everything" he has done for us. Sure, he has done everything for John, such as going to a Phillies game last summer just for him to go in hopes to see Jordan and yet when I ask to sleep over a friends house, keeping in mind I have only kept in touch with TWO people since I moved away. He says "They can sleep/come over here, but you can't go/sleep over there." What kind of fucking bullshit is that? He said at that time when I asked why, that I am up there to spend time with him and not my friends. So then I yelled to him, "So you want me to become some god-damn miserable daughter who has no more friends when I come up here?" Of course, I did not even hear his response since I was already down in the basement and heading for outside. I wonder if he thinks we are all really THAT unintelligent for us to not see through his lies. Well, John is practically infatuated with my father and thinks he can do wrong. So every other night when he calls at 8 exactly John is the one to pick up the phone and John is the one who gets all offensive when I talk bad about my father. People ask how I can hate my own dad, and all I do is tell them. "Easy. I say to people I know. I hate my fucking dad. And make plenty of hints of my dislike for him on the phone when he calls. It's not that hard, really it isn't. You ever try?" Yeah, you ask stupid questions you do not get the most pleasant answer in return. It really is not that hard to hate family members... If you say you hate an ex- then why is saying you hate this person who happens to be your father or cousin, be any different? So to stop this entry from being all that of complaining and whining I will be leaving to go watch some movies before I fall asleep. I never thought that walking everywhere could be so tiring, I guess also having your pants wet, them already being more weight than jeans, adding more weight to you makes you sluggish. Never again am I going on Thunder River. I went on it once and got the most wet than I have ever been on that ride and then we joined up with John, Jordan, Jeff and Nick and then I got completely soaked with no dry spot left. Stupid waterfall that we just had to go under on our section and then the wave coming up and hitting. Curse it all... It sucks to walk around and waddle like ducks because of the wet clothes feeling. I think that is one of the worst feelings to experience. Oh fuck! I am complaining again. I apologize for being such a baby and whinining about my problems that do not exist, when I should care more about the world. [You happy now, Cate? Fuck you...] Your weakness kills everyone, so live. -_- So alone. Sometimes I swear that I can hear the taunting of the voiceless ones. I fear that I alone fear those who ceased to feel that they're alone inside this place. I am the misplaced. Now every face, it looks familiar... then every face would melt away until.. now everyone, do you know, I know your deception?