In the veins of the ultraviolet light, the phosphor is starting a fire, shooting up in the iodine: it's turning on. Rupture the wall around my heart. I feel so lost, I've been shaking. You can't save me. Every bird in mid-flight is calling out your name before it hits the window and sings the rapture. Without a second opinion the chemicals saturate to counteract the code. --- So this is the last entry for six days. John has a baseball tournament in Pensacola, Florida as I have already mentioned once before on here. So in the van down it is: John, Nick, Jordan, my mother and Jess. It will be the same on the way back on Tuesday too. The ride is going to be as long as six to seven hours. I have my music, which, yes mother it can very well and easily become my life. My time will not be spent at the baseball games but at the hotel room, pool or the mall that is right near the hotel. I have no money, but who knows the fun someone will have by themselves in a mall. John brought up criticism again by the fact that I will not be wearing shorts while we are there nor will I be having any colors. All the colors I owned were burned, and when I did that he still had his many comments to make. He says I am going to be hot - do I really care? Whether I am in shorts and a tank top or black pants and a black tee the temperature will still be the same either way. I really think I am the living joke amonst my family, both immediate and the Aunts and Uncles and their children... Six days without the internet at my hands; how the fuck am I to survive that? Making the trip with me is the very trusted razor blade in addition to the bottle of vodka I got from Andrew when I went over to his house earlier today. That is all that will be spent to pass my days and nights quickly by. I was asked what my addiction was and my first response was the internet, which it is since I am pondering what I am going to do without it for not even one week. Then I looked to my arms, my ankles and elsewhere and my other reply was cutting. Erin, Michelle, and David were all able to stop for at least three weeks. David overcame the fight without medication and I saw him the other day inside Eckerd and he was the typical happy gay male - exactly in behavior that Carson is on Queer Eye. Why can those things never be that simple for myself? Dana called me last night, she asked if I wanted to go with her and her youth group to a cemetary to pray at each of the headstones. She told me that I needed it, and that maybe I now had love for cemetaries or something since I was all big on vampires. What does vampires have to do with a cemetary?! I then asked her that since she will not accept that I do not worship the devil then to go to our neighbor's house and take part in one of his Satanistic rituals since she wants me to do the same with her in the praying and whole church-going sense. She would not do it. So then I asked her - "You want me to come PRAY with you and your friends in hopes to rediscover Christianity/Catholicism, but when I ask you to do the same about the religion you think I am. You won't do it. Why?" My answer was the sound of a hung up phone. Dana if you want to win in your ways, I suggest you have an explanation for you not wanting to take even thirty minutes out of your Christian life to not explore newer places when you said to me not two days ago. "Stop being so stubborn about your beliefs that most people do not care about and just come one day. Its not like you are going to become a follower in that time. I am just trying to open your eyes again." Riight? Also, Answer that and Stay Fashionable.. Fuck off! So, now this is my time to say goodbye to everyone the way I would like to. Everyone being almost everyone online since the "friends" in my real life do not show how much they care for me anymore. Arlene said she would call me after Six Flags and before she left for Boston/Philadelphia/New York. She never did. She was the only person whom I really considered a grreat friend, and even she pointed out what was wrong with me. She brought up the "Are you going to a funeral?" in direction to the all black and that was soon given to Steven and Stephanie and they ask whose funeral I am going to everytime they see me. -_- Again, these are my goodbyes to people I think will actually miss me all the same. I know it is only six days, but six days may bring a death, six days may bring someone getting kicked out. "Time keeps moving whether we want it to or not. It doesn't care that you had a bad day, it will always be there laughing at you because you were never able to make the short days your own. You were never able to live up to what was handed to you when you were born." This said by Attila, who if you have not read her thoughts or do not know who she is have lost what a real friend, even if to never be seen in person, is. Erika do not go get your nails or toes done, ever, but more importantly the six days that I will be away. Keep filling that nothingness with music since that is the only thing that will never change for the worse anymore. Dayna your imperfections make you beautiful and your mother deserves to hear your real intelligence instead of the constant insulting of you. Erin the fight to finally battle your depression will be hard, and may you see nothing but greatness once you are rid of the people who have made you feel the worse. "In order to see the great, optimisitic views of the world. One must first see the negative." This said by David who I mentioned above. Attila I know you are not here to read these words, as you are sitting in Wildwood right now. I love you more than I could ever tell you. I cherish any words you have ever said to me. I look forward to the conversations on IM or the phone that we exchange. You have dealt with far too much that anyone could ask for, but you still fight each day with the same attitude. You, if anyone, have been what I could have ever asked for in friendship - and I have never met you. Sarah you are another lovely person I have been so LUCKY to call my friend through IMs. You are my inspiration each day in things I do. I used to want to be accepted by you, and now I just want to always be there and you the same. My Little Davey I love you for ever coming into my life and staying there. You have not said one negative thing to me, and for that I will always keep you around. You are the friend in real life that I so sought for. Keep singing, keep writing and never abandon. There are many, [nulandvoid] I simply do not know your real name, or else you would have a place and [loucille] if you are still reading my words, you have a place up there as well for everything you have said to me before. These are my parting words... This is a permanent solution to a temporary problem... -_- Alone is all we are, even when we feel this close, it's just a lie we believe... These are the words that escape from our lungs, rupture the walls I've built around my heart. I've been shaking. You can't save me, I'm turning off. We can't find a way out of this moment. We're lost in a dark hallway...