So yeah.. it's been awhile. Again. My mood kind of spiraled down again so I really didn't have the motivation to post. Because who wants to hear me talk about why I feel like crap? Exactly. No one. I don't even want to hear myself explain why because it never makes sense to me. I hate how it's always just one small thing that just sends me into this mood where I don't feel like talking. Where all I want to do is crawl up under my covers and stay there. Like today it was finding out that me and my brother's plans to go up to AMC and see a movie won't be happening. Why am I now just wanting to call it a night early? Yes.. 8:40 is definitely not bedtime hour. It's just John. And it's just gift cards that I want to get rid of. I can say that to myself over and over and it still doesn't make me feel any better. I wish I could change who I am as a person.. just go back to the time when I first started to slip into all the negativism and lack of excitement over stuff and change me right then and there. Maybe that way I would be the person who actually gets noticed and not known as the girl who never talks in class or something like that. I would be remembered and not so much of a pushover when it comes to plans being cancelled. I don't know anymore. I really don't. On to other things... I might be quitting my job at JCPenney. I know I've only been there since the beginning of September so like 4 months now but this past week has really pissed me off. They said that there would be hour cuts but I didn't really think that it would get THIS bad. I only have five fucking hours next week and I don't work ANY days this weekend. You really can't just tell seomeone that can only work three days of the week that they are off for all of those days. You're already fucking me over on hours with your stupid policy of high school kids not working on school nights and now you decide to not schedule me at all. Fuck you. Seriously.. I can't have only five hours. So yeah I think I'm going to go out and start applying again next week and then when I get something arranged I will give my two weeks notice up at JCPenney. Knowing my luck.. I probably won't get called again so I'll be stuck with shitty hours and be forced to be broke even though I work. It's fucking stupid. And I hate it. I know that the 7.25 a hour that I get and love so much will definitely SUCK LIKE WHOA but at least I will get hours at the place I go to and they'll let me work during the week. Christmas was... hard. I kept looking to one of the chairs and was just like 'He should be there.. yelling at us to throw the trash away.' And everytime he wasn't there and those words weren't said it was just ANOTHER reminder of him no longer being around. Not that I really need any.. it's just a fact now. And it sucks. Everyone always asks how my mom is when they talk to me but none of them ask how I am doing. It's true that if they did ask that I wouldn't tell them that I feel like I'm breakin on the inside because that's not the type of person I am but I still want to hear the question. I want to know that someone cares. Because lately it seems that no one in my life does. Knowing that people do and wanting to FEEL like they do are two completely different things. I know people care about me. I just don't feel like they do. Get it? I got a digital camera from my mom. It was all I asked for/wanted from her so it was good. Then I bought myself an iPod [300 bucks] as a belated Christmas gift/New Year's present. I have 535 songs on it and I'm still not done with importing all my CDs. And I'll be getting about six more by next week. It's a great thing for me to have though because I don't have to carry my CDs around anymore and I won't even have to buy them anymore. I can just buy 25 dollar iTunes cards and get like two CDs for the price of just one and like an EP at the stores. Yeah.. so it's grreat. I love it. like whoa. I have started my last semester of high school. That is a big moment in my life. A very good moment too. I really am looking forward to May 26, 2006 more and more now. I will be going to Georgia State [YES! I GOT ACCEPTED!] and after four years I will be that much closer to leaving this place seeing as how what I want to do for awhile involves me living in a different country. None of my classes are all that fun.. but they aren't really hard either so when that senioritis kicks in it won't be too bad. Haha. But yes.. I've said enough. My life is still as uneventful as ever. My friends never want to do anything with me... still. I'll spend my whole weekend doing nothing - again. I'll just do homework tomorrow and then sit around again. I could have gotten some entertainment in the form of a movie and all the important movie snacks but that's not happening. Unless I just show off my loserness and go by myself. Maybe I'll take Nick and me and him will go see Chicken Little. It still makes me a loser because I'm going to go see a movie with my brother but it's not like anyone is picking up their phone or agreeing to go so if I take my brother then I take my brother. We'll have fun and that's all that matters in the end. Much love. - Jess ♥