It's said and done, there is no turning back. I've made my choice, now I've gotta face the facts. Within myself, the hunger won't be subdued, because I can't have my cake and eat it too. I'm worn down from fighting with myself. I'll save my life and lose my mental health... --- I dedicate this entry to those who have ever forced their thoughts on me, to the people whom gave me weird stares and the same harsh comments at school, to anyone who wants me to be something that I am not, to everyone who thinks I am nothing but a waste... Dana this is for you. Pst, look below at the kitty and what I could get to showing the hair, the hair that Dana said looked exactly the way people in Hell would wear it. So tell me this... Christians speak out against atheists, gays, Satanists and many other religions? But at what cost is it to them? Are people so narrow-minded that when something that is "different" comes along they cannot accept it? If that not be the case, why then do they continue to make efforts to conform you to what is "normal." Dana, why do you continue to persue me going to church, me giving god a second chance, Jess dressing like YOU? Because people talk that I worship Satan at school? And that bothers you? Why?? I saw a group of five girls from my school while we were at Dixieland today. Finally, after they continued to look to me one of them came over to me while we were mini-golfing and asked, "Do you like dressing up as a guy? And do you really worship Satan? Oh! But I LOOOVE your hair." She went to put her fucking hand to my hair and touch it and I jerked away before she could get within six inches of touching me and then I flicked her off while quoting what my background says and ran to catch up with John, Nick, Tony and my mother since I had only gone back to get another ball since I kind of hit mine into the water. So smooth on me... It was a confrontation like that - that I now know why I do not miss anything about school. I would really love to know who even mentioned that Jess worships the devil because she does not believe in God. If I was to worship, anything, which I don't as that would go against everything I have ever spoke of, it would be AFI. Not some Satan that I do not believe exists any more than God does. There is no heaven or hell, no reincarnation, no second chance to make a better life for yourself, no what you do now will affect your "after life" because there is none of that. I read up on Satanism since Dana said I should become it, and its honestly not what I want at all. It's a religion, and now that I read many sites about what it is, I have come to realize that no religion will ever be right for me. So what are you going to try and do now Dana? Continue your pleas to get me to listen to your Gospel and Christian music? Fight with your views on the world some more? Or would you rather quote an AFI song on me in attempts to get me to at least pray? Maybe if I am to your disliking so much, then maybe, you may finally accept the fact that I hate everything about you! And let our "friendship" become nothing... My Aunt Debi called our house yesterday, and everytime she calls she always asks, "So, any boyfriends yet?" As always, my answer is no and then she is all.. "Oh, give it time. Besides you don't want to bother with them anyway." What is it to her about my social situations? She spoils me with anything and everything I want everytime I see her, which has not been in awhile but it still works out that way - or it did. The last time I saw her was last Christmas and she gave me this really girly watch with words like "hope, faith, love, peace" on it. She made fun of my hair and asked if I was going to be the next Kelly Osbourne and her, my other Aunt and cousins would only call me "Kelly" for the rest of the night. She is just another, of the many in my family, who are forcing the girl image onto myself. Does me not being the typical, getting nails done-skirt wearing-long hair-doing pretty make up instead of "scary"-high heeled and sandal wearing-girl bother them that much? She said that when I come up to ask my mom to take me to her house and that we could go shopping for some NICE clothes. I told my mom that since her own sister refuses to come down here and had stopped talking to her for the longest time just because my mom divorced my dad and moved us down here that she should do the smart thing and not take me. Nice clothes means buying dresses that I was forced to wear when I was younger. Nice means having to dye my hair back to brown and have blonde highlights in it. Nice is getting me in high heeled open toed sandals. Nice would be buying and adding colors that I will be forced to wear. Nice is transforming me into her *perfect* daughter, Amy. I decided that I will not be going up to Philadelphia to stay with my father for the month. He also tried to convince me to call our grandmother, Mootzie, as we are forced to call her on the 18 since that is her annivesary. What are they doing? Doing some sort of thing to make sure we do not become the worst grandkids or children possible? Do they just sit on the phone and talk about all the fuck-ups that we have ever done? I do know that my dad calls my grandmother every fucking night. We were at a hotel and after dinner he calls from there. I swear, if we would not come up and Laura and John Paul were not at her house then he would probably be living with his own mom. He was for the first two years after we moved and we had to come up. It's not like he has a mental disablilty and she HAS to care for him. Am I the only person to find this pathetic about my own father? Did I mention that he goes over EVERY Sunday night for dinner too? Also, when we are out of his house, before we go back home we always stop by their house. He is 45 years old and cannot go a day without seeing or talking to his mother. Steven told me that it wasn't THAT bad as I make it out to be. I really think differently... I only bring this up because we decided to be the grrreat children when we were at the mall on Tuesday and we bought him a card at the dollar store and they had a Father's Day Special: 2 for $1!!! Would you look at that? My mother ended up becoming a grreat child in the process and got one for her own dad whom she hates as much as I hate my own. Who said I was not a loving daughter that anyone could ask for?? I got a Lamb of God and a Distillers CD when we went to Media Play. I went into the store with 26 bucks and come out with 4. I got criticized greatly in the car on the way there about how I whenever I get money I waste it buying CDs. Is music really considered a waste? Since I have no musical talent in singing, lyric/song writing, drums, guitar playing since my mom will never put up money for lessons or a guitar, the music I hear on CDs, especially AFI and Smashing Pumpkins, is my life. Why can they not see that comparison? Or just let it be that my money is spent quickly unlike their own? That I find interest in different things? And that the interests I have carry a much deeper meaning than a basketball jersey ever will? Oh, that's right I stopped being accepted by friends and family when I discovered the genre of rock/metal. I guess when one does not accept then they waste no time in criticizing or judging, and here I thought your family never cared about that... This is a permanent solution to a temporary problem... -_- I'm wigging out, everything is turning round. A bitter taste - no comfort can be found. An emptiness wells inside of me, there's no filling the void that will always be. A self-control is all I have to hold. It's been too long. Maybe I have been too bold. When you're by your own conviction discipline can be your addiction...