Do you understand what I'm trying to say? Have you ever felt? Felt this way?Tainted with rage that you can't drain away or will cost your life. I couldn't care more. --- School Days until May 28: One more fucking week of the thing called school! Hm? So what did I do today when what really was planned was to go see Troy? I went swimming and was in the pool for a good three hours. John and Nick were the usual people inside and then there was James over. I was abused ever so badly. If the medication I take did not cause enough headaches, their continous throwing of little footballs and basketballs sure did it. Not normal ones, but you know those balls they have on display in the toy section at stores that kids always take out and play with? Yeah, like that kind of softness. It was so brutal. Then came the lovely thing of volleyball in the pool. I really do not know why I continue to do so much things with my brothers. Not even staying on the computer all day long is even somewhat amusing anymore. The only thing that has never changed recently is my love for music and AFI. All my complaints seem to lengthen and now I think I just complain and whine about anything that does not go how I want it to be. And for that, I apologize.. Lisa Petro was a junior at our school who killed herself on the night of May 18. Her funeral was on Friday and I was eating lunch with the usual annoying people who secretly I cannot stand except for maybe two of them and they started discussing the fact that people say it was an accident and all this other stupid things. I was so annoyed with how the conversation was going that I finally spoke up and said. "She's fucking dead okay? SHE IS DEAD! Why are you still talking about it if she is dead?" and then everyone stared at me before one moron finally spoke up and made the stupid, typical - "What if it was your best friend who did it?" And again, I said. "I wouldn't want people talking about it!" She then shut up, for the moment of course. I mean, first of all, why the bloody hell do people even bring that up. What if it was your kid? Or what if it was your best friend? Or what if it was your mom? Or your dad? I was arguing the death pentalty with this girl and she brought up. What if it was your mom who was killed? Would you want to see the person who did it dead? Do these people just want to see it happen so the only way to prove their point is to ask if it will happen. When you have the ability to see the future, THEN ask that question. I hate the stupid what if things. If you ever have to ask that of yourself than you should not have done it to begin with. Stupid blighters.. Yeah, so then another intelligent mind said that if she did kill herself then she had issues. Well no fucking shit Sherlock! You think depression is not an issue? You know how much I want to tell my mom that my feelings have more to do with the people at school and they are much more than the medicine, but I cannot bring myself to do it! Yeah, I have an issue in even convincing my mind that something is wrong with me and I need help. Then I think, why would I want to go see some shrink that just gets paid by the hour and will eventually do no greater good for any of us? I would just be going to another doctor and waste some more of my mom's money. Yeah, so after their conversation was continously pushing towards areas I found myself not wanting to hear I grabbed my stuff and walked away. Later I saw one of the people and they attempted to talk to me and I just ran away from them before they could do more. Courtny called me on Friday and we realized just how much both of us relied on each other for the escaping from the bad people around us. She was welcomed back by her usual friends, but many of them hate her for not calling more often, for not writing, for not inviting them to come out to her home, for not talking to her online. All of the stupid reasons, she got dead flowers from the boyfriend she dumped right before she moved to Georgia since a long-distance relationship never worked well for her. Courtny leaving left my own friend status clearly not there, they all told me to go care about something besides death and nothing. Why is it that we always see the better in things once they are no longer there? Rant: This girl in Leonard's class was wearing this bright yellow and pink shirt and asked why I always "insisted" on wearing black. My response? I flicked her off. Mr. Leonard then gave me detention for the last day of school, a half hour spent with that man when I would much rather be at home, enjoying my new freedom where I will be doing nothing but becoming a vegetable all summer long. But no, I have to spend it helping Leonard get rid of things in his room that he does not need. I even have to return on June 1 to help the teachers because of the beta club thing. I hope my mother and Arlene forget so I will not have to show up. ^.^ Rave: During the time outside, the sun was slowly starting to go in and out of clouds that were becoming more until there was no more sun and sky was filled with rain clouds. So finally, it started thundering and lightning and when it started to rain extremely hard and I went out and just sat at the top of the driveway, enjoying the feel and touch of the rain and the sounds of the thunder, the sight of lightning across the sky. I think it was the first long thunderstorm of this year. If only it was to be colder, it would have been perfect. Your weakness kills everyone, so live. -_- As your friends fall down does it tear at your heart? Do tears fill your eyes as the world falls apart? Do you notice at all, or are you sailing sublime? Am I completely alone?