How do I feel right now? Better than before? did my isolation gain me any ground, or did I instead fall through the floor? Can I understand my personailty, or do I only think I can? Do I controll my emotions or do they controll me? About what I wrote. (I wrote I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate ect. Fucking group work on an anotation note for Lit. class and the teacher noticed it.) Do I regret it? Yes, Why? Because I got caught and put in a sticky situation, because I lessened the respect of this teacher for me. Because I got caught and don't want her to know what I think of her. I recognise that I felt akward in the situation, causing me to act out in a way to make me fee more comforatble. At the time did it do me andy good? Probably, a listtle. I would rather be as the narrator of NOTES FROM THE UNDERGROUND, than as a normal doughnut eating, T.V. watching (Says fuding, or fucking?) blind dumb american, even if it means hating for no good reason. Hate is feeling, I'd rather feel than numb, but in that feeling and it's cultivation are numbness. Is it forced feeling, or is it fate? I recognise, when I'm cold, that when I'm hot it's forced feeling, but that it easily gets carried away. My friends recognise that I do this to myself. In such a situation where they help me along, have I any friends. I haven't, not even myself. (I probably was writing phylisophically, and with big stylized words because I was nervous and trying to make myself feel, grander and more important that I was. Obviously I'd rather bury myself righting than face that I did something wrong, and I'd rather bury myself in hate than face an akward situation.)