I'm having trouble with lying to myself. I can't remember when I started these things and whether or not they are true or something I did to me. Physically I've trained myself to touch the wall and the door every time I go up the stairs. I really can't help it after a couple of years of it. If I miss it, I'll go all the way downstairs to touch the wall and start over. If I burp I say hicup. I truely can't control these things anymore. These ones are benign and I chose them just to see if I could train myself, but I'm having troubles with some other things that I can't remember if they are me or if they are something I did to me to punish myself after I left Jackie. When me matt and evan were listening to Earth at matt's mommys I couldn't help but watching this discustingly fat lady drive off in a rusty car and had a creviced face. Normally I'd think pure hatred and discust, but we were listening to earth and I instead felt I liked her despite everything, but imediately dispelled it and definately didn't say anything about it. Also that whole night matt marked my attitude as contrary, which was completely true, I was being troublesome and a jerk for no reason but to be a jerk. If I was following my impulses that night and I was just doing what should be natural to me then what is it that I feel day to day. Did I really always hate people like I do now. When did I start telling myself that? I'm not sure and I can't tell if I'm really that angry at the world or if I'm lying to myself and it's that well trained into me. I know I'm lonely, I'm becoming more happy, but it feels like it's at a cost. I miss companionship very much, I'm not deep friends with jake anymore, I don't know matt inside out anymore, and I don't have a girlfriend who cares anymore. Does it make a difference? Didn't I feel like this anyway. I really don't know. I look back on this journal and I notice that I was estactic from time to time. I don't want the only times that I'm estactic to be when I'm listening to earth. I'm still trying to be a better person. I'm going to quit with the hating people thing for awhile. It seems to erode my selfconfidence, though, which should be a sign to me. No more growling and I'll quit telling of my philosophy. And maybe I'll take matt's words and try to kill contrary Andy. Bye like