My life isn't boring or terrible for any reason what so ever. I just happen to be ruining it myself. I can't be happy. Not for anything. I haven't found one thing that can make me happy, or I can't reach it. I ran at state and I couldn't wait to run the week before, the day before, the hours before. Come the meet, I was just thinking "I can't wait until this is over so I can go home." I miss my old attitude. Where I got all pumped up and ran my heart out. It felt good to hurt. But I hurt today and fell apart at the seems. I tried to pretend to have my attitude, but, I couldn't get it to the core. I ran terribly, terribly average. It killed me to see AJ and Bobby get medals, I work so hard. This is my entire life. This is the only thing that brings me true long lasting happyness to date. What the hell happened? After the race, I knew what I did. I knew how terribly everyone behind me did, and I knew all about how I gave up. It reduced me to tears. I had to run off and cry. My life is insanely unfulfilling, and I've lost the belief that this unfulfillment will make later life better. I don't feel anything. I'm sorry, my poor parents, I knew that when they drove up to pick me up and looked at me, the wanted me to be happy, they wanted to see me happy for once. "We did it, we kicked ASS!" "Good for you Andy" But I think it breaks their heart to see me broken after every meet. To see me let my smile slide off my face after being at school everyday. To hear me say "Good now I don't have to act happy" I'm sorry, Jackie, for the fact that I don't know how to make you happy, for the fact that I can't be truly happy around you, for the fact that you know that. Yes I like you, but I don't think I could ever love you. Moveover I'm afraid to be alone, I need someone who wants my attention and who I can burry my face in. I'm sorry I'm using you for that. I'm sorry to me, I'm sorry I can't ever aspire to be what I set my expectations to. I'm sorry that I keep myself from being shallow, that I waste my time, that I don't feel anything. I don't know what to do with myself, or how to pick myself up. I'm going to sleep until I can't anymore. I hope that's a long time. Bye like