"I'm sorry I said that. I was just having a bad day. Luckily there was plenty of work to hide behind. It's just I'm fed up with sitting at home and whining about how I miss you. I'm so, or was so convinced that if you'd tell your parents that over time things would get better. Maybe I'm horribly wrong, but what is a solution? I just don't get diffrent parents I guess. Maybe I got lucky and got the easy ones. And friday night, friday night sucked. I don't like being around all those people and trying to be social. I don't like kissing in a room full of people, I'm uncomfortable with that, not with you laying on my leg. And those people they just made me realize what I am. Steriotypical teenager. But I did like laying with you. But it isn't worth it, next time if they are smoking, lets go home. And none of this is helping me do my science homework, I keep getting frustrated. I don't get the whole equation for finding the mass of stuff in a chemical equation. Actually I don't even know what it is. Maybe he taught that on the day I was gone. And I can't find what some stuff is. And on the test day I couldn't balance those equations, I felt stupid and embarressed and I just got frustrated and gave up. AND I have that really big worksheet you guys got on the day I was gone. I have to do that. And I feel like I have to pick what I want my life to be about now. Running, you, or school. I can't decide. And I think that the longer I linger the worse each will get. I feel pulled in all directions. I want to call you, but I don't know what to say. I'd just be a empty voice on the other end "Yeah" "uh hu" "hm". Blah I don't even like that. I'm sorry. And I complain and complain, I'll bet you don't feel the greatest either. Me pulling on you, tennis, something else who knows. Your dad being a nincompoop? So I might go to bed, and not call you because I have nothing to say, but I'll stay online for awhile. Bye like" =Email to Jackie, I think it's manipulative, even though I didn't try to make it that way. Its like me saying I'm sorry so I can shove more "tell your damn parents already" down her throat. But I don't mean for it to be written that way, that's just how I wrote it. Maybe I'm manipulative at heart. Maybe I'm a bad boyfriend. See then I turn to make my life sound real hard, and then turn to sound sympathetic to her so she is softer. But if I would call her, I wouldn't know what to say. I'd pretend that nothing was going on, I'd pretend I wasn't unhappy. I'd say yeah and uh hu and hm. And this email is manipulative, the parts where it says it's manipulative is so I get people to recognise that I can see my problem and they'd think I'm fixing it so they wouldn't be harsh. Wouldn't think bad on me. Well I am bad. I'm a perverted, steriotypical teenager who wants not to be steriotyped as a teenager but falls into every catagory. I'm not that smart, I'd lose a fight to a fly, I look like a rag doll I'm so skinny, I whine about my pathetic life when it isn't that bad. I have a messy room and unfinished homework, but still have goals of getting into a real nice college. I say I'll get a job, but don't do anything about it. I say I'll run harder, but don't run any diffrent. I try to be the starving artist so everyone will feel sympathy on me. I'm going to feel anger next and I'll bet my knuckles will get bloody punching my deck again. And I'll say "pain gives perspective," but all it is for me is a temporary out. A cheat, to get high off anger and to lie about how bad my life is. BYE LIKE!