I keep looking at Jackie's xanga, though it just makes me feel like crap. I don't know what I'm looking for, I'm starting to think that my own self-torture is leaking into my subconcience and that I have no means to control it. This is becoming a big problem, and though I know that torturing myself doesn't really get me anywhere, I do it all the time. I'll punish myself, a slap here, a flick there, for any little thought I find dissapealing: "I don't want to have thought that" smack. Then I do it for other reasons, feeling lonely, guilt, anger, hate of my own jealousy, and lack of productivity. Is is good that I have this realized amount of self controll, or is it too much? Should I edge off of hurting myself when I think I deserve it? I asked for willpower at 11:11 today, the willpower I need to do .... I coulnd't come up with anything. I already have willpower, what do I need anymore for? Bye like