Met a new guy last night.

He's a bit older.

In theory and knowing my history that's probably bad, but maybe he'd be a bit more mature.

And maybe a bit more grateful, considering he wouldn't just be another "I go to the college with the most women ever" asshole.

Okay, so he's 23, was a senior my freshman year. Bad omen? yeah, but there have been lots of bad omens I've ignored.

he's very obviously interested. And he walked me home last night, and didn't try anything. We facebook chatted a couple of times today; he's making it clear, he's interested.

so then, it's probably a bad thing that I haven't mentioned to him the fact that I still have a boyfriend.

But yeah I do, but I don't feel like I do.

He's not a presence in my life anymore. We so rarely talk.

He tries, I'm busy. I try, he's busy.

But neither of us try nearly enough.

He takes me for granted. He doesn't appreciate the fact that I'm making a greater sacrifice than him.

so he's a bad boyfriend. In turn, it makes me want to be a bad girlfriend. we go down this cycle all the fucking time.

He still hasn't gotten me a fucking birthday present.

I called him today. Because I was in crisis. I think I had an ovarian cyst this morning. I've never been in that much pain my entire life. I wanted to die. I wanted to absolutely die. I couldn't walk. I was sweating. Literally my entire body was shaking. I could hardly breathe.

And then the pain stopped, and I went to the doctor and they told me nothing and performed no tests (the pain went away, so hell, why would they? not like if it was a cyst I'd be prone to developing more in the future or anything. not like there could be seriously anything wrong with my reproductive system…) and I went home.

It was a good 5-6 hours of crisis like I've never dealt with it before. and I called him, desperate for someone to tell me what to do, desperate for someone to tell me "just call the fucking doctor" or even better "I'll be right over," but of course that's just a pipe dream for someone who's distance. My dad told me he'd be right over. That he'd drive from work to my college just to drive me to a doctor.

But Sam couldn't pick up the phone, so I laid in bed, screaming, for hours, alone. I called him at 10 a.m.

He finally called me at 7:34 p.m.

How could you even be with someone when you're literally afraid of dying and you just need some comfort and they take ten hours to get back to you?

well, I went out. I went to Leo's, knowing full well that I'm attracted as hell to Leo. And so we sat on his roof and drank and I met Ben, and we clicked and talked for about 5-6 hours, I told him Scrubs is probably my favorite show and he asked me to marry him, and I sang (yes I effing sang. why'd I do that? singing is about as good an idea as table dancing), and he graduated in May and does work for the University doing medical research, and he drives a motorcycle and speaks Italian, and then he walked me home and gave me a hug.

And he's contacted since; he's interested. Although admittedly, phsyically, Leo is a million times more my type. Ben is talllllll and so built but he's white. and I just don't like white guys? As a general guideline. Nor Jew-fros.

Anyway, doesn't matter, now it's nearly 3 a.m. and I'm facebook chatting with Jeremy, who I've almost almost hooked up with at least five times, and who I haven't told I have a boyfriend either.

And maybe it's because my boyfriend has become nothing more than a distant memory with a title that's not quite fitting, I can't help but think about other guys.

so what now?