I saw Sam for the first time since we broke up.

We went to the Royal Bean, where we always used to go.

But we didn't order any coffee. We didn't ever even go inside. When it started pouring and pouring, we sat in a freezing hallway.

I was so cold. But for the first time since two years ago, he didn't put his arm around me to warm me up.

But what made it so hard is that he acknowledged it.

"It's weird not to have my arm around you," he said.

What? How are we supposed to be friends when you say things like that? I felt so raw. so vulnerable. So a few tears ran down my face.

"I don't know what I expected out of seeing you again," I said.

"I don't know what I want." he said.

what?

no, it doesn't work like that. You don't get to claim you still want to be best friends, then not make any attempt to speak to me for three months, then come home for a month and never call me, then when I push you into seeing me, tell me you don't know what you want.

What do you think you deserve?

The irony is this:

I sent him an e-mail Wednesday, saying I was free Thursday but gone Friday through Sunday.

He texted me thursday and said "how about 5 tomorrow?"

I said, "Free TONIGHT. Out of town tomorrow."

I did not realize that Sunday, he would go back to West Point. Until Thanksgiving.

He said, "how about we meet near N.C. State around 6:30?"

I said okay. I checked my e-mail. He had replied early that morning saying that he already had plans with an old friend from paintball thursday night, how about Friday. I didn't see it until after I had gotten the text.

he cancelled on his friend to see me.

This was all I ever wanted when we were together. This was the source of so much of my pain and tears.

I never expected him to cancel on anyone. I just wanted to be treated like a priority.

I wanted to feel like he wanted to see me.

I wanted him to tell his mom that i was going to get maybe a quarter of his time home.

And so we broke up. And he treated me like shit for three months. And then he says it was just "too hard" to talk to me. And then, he does what I always begged for.

So after we left that night after a very awkward and forced hug, he sent me an e-mail saying "thanks for pushing me. I'm hurt and scared and I don't know what I want. But we'll figure it out."

I can't work around his schedule.

So I wrote, Thursday night, "we need to figure out a deadline for figuring out what we want, because I don't have until Thanksgiving."

And he never responded. Just like him.

Everything is telling me I can't do this anymore.

Everything is telling me I shouldn't want him anymore.

But I miss him so much it tears me apart.

Part of me wants to tell him about Tom, just so he knows and realizes that he's not my only option. I want him to know that there's a nice, cute, funny guy who wants me to be his girlfriend, and if it wasn't for him, I would be. I am giving him a chance to prove himself. But I can't wait forever.

"I love you" is all she heard

I'll wait for you, but I can't wait forever.

Sam. Sam, Sam, Sam.

You are the only guy I've ever loved.

And I want you to be happy, with or without me.

But I want me to be happy too. With or without you.