I finally asked for help. I didn't even explain what was going on, but I asked for help. I asked to talk sometime one on one. Really, I'm quite proud of myself. for the first time in months, I've taken a step in the right direction. I've changed a lot since about january. And I feel like it's been changing for the worse. I've had a lot more fun, but I've been hurting myself, both physically, emotionally, and scholasticly. I finished this year with 5 A's and 1 B. While to many people this would be a desirable report card, it's the first time I've received a B in my entire life. In precalc. And I wish I could blame my teacher, but really, I just never did my homework in that class. I got an A on the final. If I had just done my damn homework instead of screwing around with my friends on school nights (which I did more times than I can count this year, every time telling my mom I was working on some project or other), I could have easily gotten an A. Because it was a very high B. So now I'm mad at myself. This year, I put having fun ahead of taking care of myself. Granted, before this year, I think I was focusing so much on school that I was close to going crazy. I'm significantly happier this year. I think I need to find a better balance. I finally asked for help. Granted, again, this is one single aspect of my life. But I asked to talk one-on-one with my youth pastor. And maybe if I can get Jesus into this aspect of my life, I can work on getting him more involved with other aspects. The irony strikes me. I went to the "relationships and sex" small group for the Senior High youth group tonight. Boy, I felt this was useful right now, with how fast Flynn moved. Interesting thing about Flynn: He's catholic-ish. This is to say, Irish Catholic by birth, but he's Agnostic by belief. He has all these little things around his room: On the door outside, a little cross stich that says "shh...I'm talking to God" And hanging above his bed a small wooden cross that says "I ¢¾ Jesus" or something to that effect So when I'm over at his house, it's not as if I've forgotten about who I am in my faith. What's so ironic is that when I'm sitting on his bed (which I swear, always at least starts out innocent. I realize how bad it sounds) I hit my head on it, so we have to take it down when we make out. It's like Jesus is literally hitting me on my head saying "YOU SHOULDN'T BE MAKING OUT WITH A BOY ON HIS BED. YOU SHOULDN'T BE LETTING HIM TOUCH YOU THERE", etc. I don't know what clearer sign I could ask for. When I've told my friends, they all just say that they're proud of me for stopping it before he gets too far, y'know? So, I haven't let him put his hand in my pants, or inside my bra. But other than that, I've pretty much let him touch a whole hell of a lot of me. When I hit my head on that cross the other day, he laughed and said "Leave room for Jesus", as he put it on his desk. I know the Bible isn't really clear on dating. He makes it very clear that sex isn't okay until after marraige. but what about dating? I don't know how far is too far. It's not sex, but does that mean that it's okay that I've let him totally feel me up? I have this feeling in my gut that it's not. But he's gone until the 3rd. And I have asked for help. And I'll talk to Andrea. The bottom line is RELATIONSHIPS. Love God. Love others. Love yourself. Everything else is just frills.