oh ew. EW. ewww EWWWWWWWWW. EW. EW. EW. EW. EW.

cringing. ew. ew. ew.

So. I think the situation might have just gotten worse. ew. ew. ew. ew. ew.

I, in my 19 years of life, haven't really had anything that crazy happen to me.

I've never dated anybody who was legitimately insane, I mostly stayed out of trouble, close with my family etc.

when I drink, bad decisions have been known to have been made...

welllll when I got drunk and hooked up with somebody who I really shouldn't have hooked up with and probably wouldn't have sober, twice (legitimately incredibly shit-faced both times, though), it was among the craziest things I've done.

And that was when I considered that I had gone much farther than I would consider okay with someone I wasn't dating, though by most college standards not far at all. All we did was kiss, perhaps just a little touching, but kissing. kissing. Now the second time it happened, although we went no further, he spent the night. and kissed me the next morning. sober. not okay. not okay. not okay. That's something intimate. that you don't deserve.

The weirdest part is that after all of this, he acted quite intimate. Meaning he would talk to me everyday — be it in person or over instant messaging, do me favors (attempting to help me advance in my job), got coffee once. But what really bothered me is that one time I got a text from him at about 3 a.m. one night saying "call me around 9." I did as instructed. he picked up. he sounded asleep. "hi, uh, you said to call you?" "oh. yeah. thanks. I was just afraid I wouldn't wake up on my own." "Ah...okay. well. Good morning then I guess." That's again something you don't deserve. You don't deserve to have my voice wake you up in the morning. That's intimate. I was angry as soon as that phone call ended.

But it wasn't like he was leading me on. It was an odd situation. We were both flirty. And the hookups I think were fun, from what I remember, but that's not much. but we both knew neither wanted any more. and we had a surprisingly good professional relationship through all of this. He told me I was his pick to be editor my senior year. few awkward moments. we went to meetings like normal. I pitched stories like normal. I napped on the newsroom couch like normal. I personally wrote the whole thing off as a couple of drunken nights. we weren't "hooking up", as that implies regularity; and we certainly never "went on a date", both of which phrases I heard tossed around in rumors. It was a couple of nights where I was drunk. And the first night he most certainly took advantage of my state.

well. His (to my knowledge) ex-girlfriend added me on Facebook. I don't know why. She hasn't added anyone else who wasn't here when she was here. But she was the former editor, so it seemed logical to add her. clicked on her page.

Now, I'm no expert, and I know the conclusions I reached from these photos might be entirely wrong. But after looking at it, i think not only are they back together, but I think he's the father of her child.

EW. EW. EW.

This would mean that I hooked up with a FATHER. so. so. SO NOT OKAY.

and so I kept looking through her photos, and I reached another conclusion: from the dates of the photos, they were DEFINITELY back together the second time we hooked up — and the time where he attempted to get a third, and I turned him down (mostly because I was SOBER.).

And I don't know. This whole thing is just so fucking creepy. It's just SO FUCKING CREEPY.

I am not that girl I am not that girl I am not that girl. As far as I knew, he was an unattached young journalist. Not a dating soon-to-be dad.

I don't give a shit who he's dating now. but that I had no idea that he wasn't single at the time that we hooked up. and that DOES make a difference. I don't want to be that girl. Please no. Particularly if you've got a son on the way?! hell no!!!

ug. I feel SO GROSSED OUT. like i need to go shower. ew. ew. e.w

okay...past the cringiness. I got a letter from Tom today!!!!

It was sweet (:

funny how things come full circle huh? I was going crazy for letters last year. Checked the mailbox eagerly every day. one year later. Same thing. kind of.