SURPRISE! Adolescence is not the exciting adventure you think it is! It's actually very boring...and lonelier than you could imagine. things are kind of frustrating. things are kind of weird. Trevor and I sort of almost dated but I stopped it before it started I realized something: you really shouldn't date someone who you don't even like. really, you shouldn't. anyway so all my entries are about boys lately. I guess that's kind of normal for a 16 year old girl. I hope the few people that actually read this don't get tired of hearing about these boys. youth group on sunday: Katya: If I ever get married, I think it would be to a girl. Kelly: That's cool. I like men. Katya: well I LIKE men, but I just couldn't marry one. Kelly: Well if you like men, and you don't like women, then why are you marrying one? Katya: well, when you're with a guy for a really long time, sometimes guys get horny Kelly: Katya? Girls do too. Katya: yeah, but girls can do things that don't get you pregnant. yeah, it was pretty funny. I think I myself don't ever want to get married. to anyone. except maybe a soldier. but that's a special circumstance. Anyway. I get so tired of people I honestly don't beleive that there's one person out there for me. that's not saying I don't believe in love that's just saying I don't believe that there's someone in this world who I could honestly be in love with for a long time. I won't get old. I won't. I honestly want to die young. I'm not some idiot who's going to start doing drugs or shit like that. but I just can't get old. I visited my Nana and Granddaddy the other day I love them and everything but it made me realize I can't live like that. I can't get that old. I can't wake up in a retirement community. I can't be around that many old people. I can't be old. I can't have wrinkles. I can't get fat. I can't get ulcers. I can't get age spots. I can't start walking slowly. I can't be that limited. No way. I am going to die. No way I'm going to live past 50. I just don't want to. when I tell people that they say "That will change when you're actually 50" and I suppose it might but I doubt it I just am not cut out for that. back to the marriage thing, I'm just not a mother. It's not pregnancy that scares me I think that how life is made is actually really amazing and beautiful, probably the most amazing miracle on earth however, I'm not a mother. Birthing a baby doesn't scare me. being totally responsible for another human being scares the shit out of me. I don't want children if they turn out like me. I don't want children if they are going to turn out like the rest of immoral teenage society. I once told somebody I didn't want children if they would turn out like me they said "why? you're like the most responsible kid ever." yes. I am. but I'm also terribly unhappy. I'm selfish I'm mean I'm controlling I'm sensitive I'm unpopular I'm ugly. I don't fit in. I don't want a baby who's going to be like me. but I don't to have a child if they're going to turn out like the irresponsible part of society. solution? I'm never having kids. I just can't commit. I think that's what this comes down to. commitment scares the shit out of me. I get tired of people so easily. I don't want this thing that everyone else wants. I'm just terrified of that life that life where you're totally about your husband and your job and your kids. no I need some independence I just couldn't be happy coming home to one person every night. that sounds awful; but honestly I just can't see myself being faithful. oh and by the way, I went to France. Did I tell you guys that?