What is lonely, anyway?

I miss Sam. I miss Sam so much.

I miss what we had.

But I don't like who he is now.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about him all the time.

About our first date seeing a war movie. About our first kiss, where he started out so bad. About our third date, where he started to get better. About prom, and the first time he told me he loved me. About a week before that, when I first realized I did. About Labor Day, the first time I'd seen him after two and a half months of being without him. About Thanksgiving, the first time I really met his family. About MLK day weekend. About Spring Break. About breaking up. About him ignoring me for months.

I'd be lying if I said I haven't been lonely since that April day.

But what is lonely?

I've been dating.

Hell, three days after we broke up I hooked up with a guy. There was Andrew. Then there was Carter. Then there was Nick.

I went on a few dates with Jeremy, although that never went anywhere. Now he's exclusive with a high school junior (puke). I had a thing with Tom, and I really thought that was going somewhere, but now I'm fairly certain that might drift to the friend zone. I had a thing with Aaron, but now we're DEFINITELY friend zone.

I have been dating.

And no, I haven't found me a "boyfriend" since Sam. But I haven't met anyone who's made me feel like I felt when I started to date Sam.

I miss butterflies.

All these guys — and it's no small number — and I don't feel the excitement. The butterflies. The stoumach going in circles.

&I dare you to forget

those marks you left accross my neck

on those nights

when we were both

caught at our best

Will I ever feel that way again?

I am lonely.

Is it because I'm not with Sam?

Because I was lonely the last few months we were together. Because it was so miserable.

And he hasn't changed. And he's not going to.

Hey lush, have fun

It's the weekend

I don't know that we can ever be normal friends again.

it's hard to be friends with someone you once loved.

The only person you've ever loved.

I just feel like, we have been broken up so long.

Shouldn't we be over it by now?

Should I be over it by now?

just forget me

it's that simple

just forget me

it's that simple

just forget me

it's that simple

just forget me

it's that simple

He hasn't been seeing anyone.

I almost wonder if that would make it easier.

He can't be constantly comparing every first date to ours.

Every first kiss to ours.

The thrill I get everytime a boy brushes my arm, holds my hand to ours.