Holy shit Updates four days in row! Funny, considering this year I've been averaging about two entries a month. I guess I've just had a lot on my mind lately. I like getting some thoughts on paper. Even if they don't make sense to the readers. And even if they're not about what's really bothering me. So that song in my "listening to" column Vince [lead singer] sang that song to me. Me, specifically. They opened for The Used and they leaned out into the audience and sang it, and to four individual girls, I was one of them :) I stood there with the dumbest look on my face too. But I mean, I guess you stand out when you're the freaking ONLY light haired person in about the first 8 rows. so yeah :) that's my happy story of the day. so as for the seriousness now: I gave Gaby a ride home yesterday. I drove her to my house, where her parents where gonna pick her up in about 20 minutes. My parents were at some CPE thing so I knew they wouldn't be home. I got home, and I saw a certain car in front of my house. Of all the times for Rob to be home. he hasn't fucking been home in weeks, since our last...confrontation, where he told me, and I quote "go fuck yourself." You know where all of this shit stemed from? the fact that he won't face his problems. He won't face his problems with drugs, he won't face his problems with school, he won't face his problems with the depression, and he sure as hell hasn't faced his problems with me. The reason I've been so mad at him is becuase he comes in, treats me like shit, yells at me, curses me out, and then when I try to respond he runs away. I can't do that anymore. Well, after the first time he did this to me, a few weeks later at a wedding he tried to hug me, and I shoved him off. You can't just treat me so badly and expect me to forget it. He had no right to hug me. I guess I was right not to accept it. He went off on me again a few weeks ago and ran away again, and I hadn't seen him since. Well he showed up yesterday. I guessed he figured to leave me alone until Gaby left, at least. He stayed in his room until she left. I can't deal with him anymore. I can't do it. I can't take it. It's tearing me up. I'm actually crying just writing this. I left as soon as Gaby left and went to the grocery store, I needed to make a cake for Trevor, and I figured I'd avoid Rob that way. I did my errands and went home. Being home alone honestly scares me. The last time we got into it, he threw me down on the ground. It didn't hurt, but just the idea that if I pissed him off he would physically hurt me scared me. I don't even know how to make peace with him. He doesn't deserve it. As I walked in the back door, he literally walked out the front at the exact same time. This was by accident... I saw him out the window, he was walking to the car. He turned around and walked back so I could see him. I shrugged, giving him a what-do-you-want look. he waved. a friendly wave. An I-want-to-talk-to-you wave. A wave that waited for a response. It hurts so much. I couldn't do it. I can't do it. I gave him the bird and walked away from the window. I'm not ready to forgive.... I think I've lost my relationship with him completely. And I can't recover it until he changes.