"A girl like you WILL get invited to parties." I hung out with Jason today. He told me "don't party TOO much when you go to college..." I told him I wouldn't. He laughed, saying I would be that girl who everyone is like "whaaat? you've never done this before?", making a fool of myself in public, and everyone would just love it, I'd be like a novelty toy. I told him "To be honest, Jason, I don't think I'll be invited to that many parties." I don't think I will. I'm not a popular girl. I don't get approached by a lot of guys. And to be honest, I've never thought of myself as attractive in the least. I hate my hair, my skin, my figure. I just don't tell anyone that, becuase I don't want to be that annoying girl who complains about life. But what he said to that was "Yes you will." I said "Besides the parties YOU'VE invited me to, I've been maybe invited to like, one REAL party in my life?" He says, "that's because you go to Raleigh Charter. You don't have REAL parties." I say, "To be honest, Jason, I've seriously worried about not getting invited to any parties in college. I don't want to be some party girl, but I'd like to, you know, get the whole college experience." He then got all awkward for a second, before saying "Look, I didn't want to just go out and say this, but a girl who looks like you WILL get invited to A LOT of parties. Do you understand what I'm saying, or do you need me to spell it out for you?" I'm so scared about college. I am so scared about college. I am terrified of college. That's been so hard to admit mostly becuase I'm looking forward to it so much. Honestly, I can't think of anyone besides Jason who I've admitted that to. I'm so excited for it and so ready for it. but at the same time, I'm terrified of living with no supervision. I've had my fair share of bad luck with guys in the past. I've had a couple of guys who wanted nothing more than sex out of me, and when I wouldn't do it they ended it. For those of you who have never had that happen to, it fucking hurts. just fyi. I'm just terrified that is going to happen to me A LOT in college... I'm terrified that every guy is going to want nothing more than to hook up with you, and want nothing more. I don't want to be that girl. I'm scared. I miss the days when life was simple. After Jason's statement, I began to think. I went out with his best friend, who turned out to be one of the guys who hurt me badly becuase I wouldn't screw him. I think I only dated Flynn because he wanted to be a journalist. That made him so attractive to me. But physically...he honestly wasn't especially attractive. and I started to think past that, into furter back relationships, and also the most recent ones-if you can even call them relationships...which you can't. Honestly, there's only one boy who I've ever kissed who I just thought was like, knees-weak attractive. He was the one I met in October at Underoath. He came up to me. He approached me. He introduced himself. He took that chance, that risk of rejection. It's so weird to even think of myself as POSSIBLY being pretty. I am so damn sick of feeling confused. I want to be a good person so damn bad. but I want to go to parties. I want to be that girl, that girl who "trust me--you WILL get invited to parties."