I don't write in this except when I'm exceptionally emotionally full.

That's why just about every entry in here since January 09, when Sam and I started dating, is about Sam. Not all. But most.

I'm not happy anymore.

Our relationship doesn't work anymore.

It just doesn't.

And now I don't know what to do.

He's doing what he has to do. He's at West Point. I'm doing what I have to do. I'm Assistant City Editor.

But those two things just don't work.

I can't be happy in a relationship where I get to see him once every two months and talk to him once a week.

That's not sustainable.

His Spring Break is this week. I get to see him one day. ONE. He's home nine.

Okay, six.

But nine. I'm counting Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, where his family was up for Plebe Parent Weekend, and I SHOULD HAVE been. I can't take his family anymore. Anymore. They have no reason to treat me like shit, I have done nothing. They should be used to me by now. I'm not going to be sorry that Sam has someone he wants to spend time with.

But I still care about him A LOT.

I'm afraid to lose him.

I'm afraid to lose my first love.

I'm afraid to throw away more than a year of my life.

I want to see him this friday. But I'm afraid it wouldn't be fair.

I don't know what to do. Just thinking about ending it makes me a total wreck. I hardly slept last night at all. I'm still completely in love with him.

But I'm not happy with the way things are. And this is the way things are. They're not going to change. This isn't a hurdle.

I know no matter what happens, getting over him will be the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

And that's not fair.

I hate love.

Isn't it supposed to solve everything?