oh hello, problem that is never going away. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Eliza, too now apparently. EIGHT. that I know of. Which surely means...the whole newroom knows. fuck. FUCK. fuckmylife. There's nothing I can do about this, can I? Especially when no one's saying anything to my face...

In other news,

Tom is adorable. Hooray for having SOMETHING positive in my life. Too bad he's four hours away. We're not even dating or anythang like that, and he's almost being more attentive than my one healthy relationship. And he keeps getting nicer. He doesn't talk about me when I'm not there--and I know that for a FACT. He's not bragging about me, which after everything else I've gone through lately, is such a good thing!. He and I texted last night until 2:30 a.m. about Battleship, fuck yeah fuck yeah.

Sam, on the other hand, made me cry the other day.

The other week I texted him and said I had some time to talk. He said he was busy.

We'd talked on the phone one time. one. one, since the two months that we've been broken up, after the fifteen that we'd been together. And I've always been the only one to initiate contact, even after he was the one saying that nothing has to change when we break up, that we can talk just as much, that we can hang out, that we can still be best friends. I was the one saying "I need some space." Well i got the space. Now he wants it, apparently.

I asked him, "so, uh, do you still want to be friends?" when he finally called me.

He said "Yeah. I mean, I don't mind talking to you."

I was stunned. you DON'T MIND talking to me? Is that all I am to you now, a nuisance?

He corrected himself. "That's coming out wrong. I mean, yes, I still want to be friends, just, not, super-close friends."

ouch. ouch. ouch. At this point, I started crying.

I wanted the break-up just as much as he did. I got over it fine.

But I missed his friendship. That was all I wanted.

And I can't have that. Obviously, we can't hang out on a regular basis. So if we're not "super-close", what does that mean? We occaisionally small talk? Why the fuck would anyone want that? I used to talk to him--just talk--more than anyone else, about everything, I held nothing back. I don't have that anymore.

He's going to be in Raleigh in about a week. I can't handle it. He says he wants to see me.

He's always gonna be that guy. That first love.

And now, I believe I'm over him.

But I had so much of myself invested in him for so, so long.

And even though the breakup was mutual, he's my first real heartbreak.

I've been cheated on before and treated so much worse. But with Sam it was different.

With Sam, it was realizing that two people who are so incredibly in love, who want our relationship to work more than anything in the world, that no matter how much effort you both put into it, you can't both have each other and your dreams.

Our relationship just was impossible because of our chosen career paths.

I want to be a journalist. I am going to be a journalist. UNC.

Sam wants to be in special forces. USMA.

that's the worst.

And next week, I'll see him again.

I can't handle this.