It's been a while since I've written. But then, it's been a while since I've relaxed.

I wish I had big news. But I don't.

I'm still barely getting by.

I'm still feeling incredibly lonely. I could explain why. But I don't want to. I don't want it documented.

I'm learning there's a real danger in documentation.

I'm learning there's a real threat in feelings.

I. need. something.

I don't meet people.

I can't meet people.

I don't go anywhere except the paper.

I don't especially like anyone on the paper.

I'm slowly losing my connection with the outside world, I feel like.

I am a lot of things.

But I am not "A huge bitch."

I never had a chance to do well, to be your friend.

And I certainly don't have "an ego problem."

Life is so caddy.

My life is so caddy.

But the worst part is the hardest to talk about.

Before a couple weeks ago, I hadn't prayed in ages.

And I'm trying to get better about it since.

But I'm not there yet.

That terrible Paramore song never meant anything until now.

I truly feel like i AM falling to pieces.

At least in one way.

It probably hit me the hardest at the Durham Bulls game.

"I went through a hyper religious phase in high school," he said.

"Yeah, I did too." I said. "I was the most religious person in the world from sixth grade to about my junior year."

Steven turned back at me and looked me in the eye. He nodded slightly. I did the same. He shrugged. He turned around. I saw that glimmer of regret in his eye. He had to have seen it in mine. That longing for the feelings we both once had. The fulfillment we've lost. God's never let me down. Not really. But what I've tried to replace him with has.

And It's the hardest thing to talk about.

I've sinned up down sideways and diagonal since coming to college. I haven't done anything to repent.

Sarah looked back at me after I said it.

"Really?" she asked. She looked so surprised. "What happened?"

i was the most uncomfortable I had ever been.

Sarah's not religious. She wasn't judging me.

She's my friend.

But she was so surprised at the thought of me being a Christian.

It was so hard.

but I've tried it all at unc. and there's nothing for me here.

I've been making an effort to go to AL.

I miss it.

I realized in that moment I don't have an excuse.

Nothing happened.

So I stuttered. and then said something to the effect of "I don't want to talk about it."

So I guess this is a prayer, in a way.

this is my "Picture Window"

God, I need your help.

I haven't talked to you, really, since high school

because it's easier

just to ignore you.

Help me.

Give me something.

i feel at my lowest.

I want you in my life.

Here I am. I'm "Falling to pieces."

"Do you know what hope is? Hope is a bastard."

I didn't have anything tragic happen to me. But I feel like my little necklace.

I'm hanging on a leather cord attached by a thread.

I'm small. I'm insignificant.

Make me feel more.

Make me real.

Make me do more.

and I'm sorry.

Amen.