...school. I keep telling my self its gonna get better. but it doesnt. it seems to get proggresively worse. everyone is so desperate for freinds that theyll be freinds with anyone, so my freinds are all looking for an inta-freind instead of someone who is nice, honest, trustworthy and who you really know. now weve got assigned seats. its fucking W3! is that some kind of record or something? i do have good freinds. real ones. they are the ones i know. they are the ones who arent looking for instafreinds, but real ones. im fucking tired of everyone who will be freinds with everyone just so they can say that they have lots of freinds. they are like magnets. they are attracted to one another, as if it were some game of musical chairs, where everyone would have a freind except that one unlucky loser. they would be alone. no one wants to be that person. they look for freinds like sharks. or as matt says like a hawk. then that one person without freinds is alone, and instead of thinking of how it feels to be alone, they think of how much a loser that person is. they never think of making freinds with that person. that is going to be my goal this year. find that one person sitting alone at lunch and sit with them. be their freind. make them feel normal instead of suicidal. because have you ever thought about how that must be? not very fun. then maybe my freinds will want to sit with me. then maybe they will make freinds with the alone person. then maybe they will be part of a group. then maybe we can eliminate that musical chairs loser. im tired of people telling me that i shouldnt hate the way i look. im skinny. that isnt the part i hate. i hate everything about the way i look. except my wieght. everyone thinks that i wish i could be skinnier. i wish a had just a few more pounds on me. you can see my ribcage in a bikini. its disgusting. im tired of people telling me i should love the way i look when they hate the way they look. i ask them why they hate the way they look. they come up with a bunch of reasons i think are bogus. i dont say that though. i say they are not ugly. i do not tell them they are stupid becuase of the way they see themselves. except for marina. but that is a different story entirely. im tired of people telling me to stop talking negativley about myself and that i should think of all those people who are worse off than me. well i do. i dont think i have the worst life in the world. i never said that. i truly am blessed. but i dont go around saying, "Guess what, my parents are still alive and still married. isnt that great?" instead i will say "I hate the way i look in a bathing suit." they will critasize me and ask why because i am so skinny. there is more to a bathing suit than weight. i am tired of people acting like im stupid and just want attention. i hate the way i look. everyone sees themselves differently. i am fucking tired of them not stopping for one second to see me through my eyes. im fucking tired of it all. i think the only person that understands that stuff is amy becuase she is so skinny too. laura and caroline almost get mad at me when i tell them i hate the way i look in a bathing suit. no one notices those lines. i think its for the better.