I hung out with Amanda, Melisa, and Gaby this week. Friends from high school.

A lot has changed since last summer. Obviously.

Subject turns to boys, as always.

I have a problem with turning myself over to another person. I always have.

I have a problem with commitment. I bought a UNC logo metal magnet after my acceptance. I put it on my car last week. It took me a year and a half to commit to being a Carolina student.

I admitted this.

Gaby says, "I don't have a commitment problem. I have the opposite of a commitment problem. Which, I guess, is also a commitment problem."

She's so in love with the boy of the month, as usual. The girl hasn't been single in literally four years. And it's been five boys, by my count.

We talked about Tom, my current boy of the month. We left things in a certain state before Summer.

I don't know how it's going to go in a few days when the year starts. I was sure of things a little earlier, but now I've come to realize I'm not in a state where I want a relationship. A casual thing with him would be great, but right now I think that's all I could handle.

My friends didn't understand the concept of me not wanting a boyfriend.

"I don't like being in a relationship because there's so much pressure," I explained.

"what pressure? like, the pressure of being faithful?" Gaby asked.

Surprisingly, I never really had a problem with being faithful. I've never cheated, even in the worst of long distance relationships.

"Not really, although that's a small part of it. There's so much pressure. To be a good girlfriend, to spend x amount of time together, to talk so much, to have some perfect relationship. People always ask, 'how are you and Tom doing,' and that's exactly what I hate. I loved what we had over the summer — we talked, a lot, and knew we both wanted each other, but if we were busy and couldn't talk for like 3 weeks, that was fine, no big deal. I hate being in a relationship because I'm not just Kelly any more, all of the sudden I'm 'somebody's girlfriend.'"

They said it was not like that, becuase if you're with the right person you should want to do those things.

But maybe that's satisfying for them. It's just not for me.

The clock hit 11:11.

I made a wish, the same wish I always do.

Gaby says, "I always wish about boys...it's the one thing I can never control."

Melisa and Amanda agreed.

I said, "I always make wishes about my career."

It highlighted the differences between us so much.

But I don't want to be this person, at the same time. I don't want to be the girl who's married to her job, I don't want to be Miranda.

But at the same time, I've never had a love that compares to reporting. Not even Sam, my "great love," or whatever it is.

But the funny thing is, I know exactly why I don't want to be Tom's girlfriend.

I realized it while we were talking. It was screaming in my head the entire time I was spouting out all that pressure crap. But I couldn't admit it until I was alone in my car driving home.

I can't sort out my feelings toward Sam. And I can't be someone's girlfriend when I'm heartbroken. And I talked to Sam yesterday. And it was awkward and forced. And although this time I stayed calm and he never heard anything except normal Kelly, I cried on the other end. I hate it. What is it going to take to get over this?

For starters, I can't talk about him, to anyone. I've never admitted it. Not to anyone. I only just admitted it to myself.

I don't want to get involved with another person because I'm afraid.

I don't want to get involved because I don't want to get hurt again.

I don't know what to do.