I lied when I told myself I was over Sam. I lied. i lied.

he didn't call me the entire time he was in NC. that was weeks.

I never cried over Sam the whole time. I never cried when we broke up. And now it's like everything I shoved in a box is coming out and now I have to fucking deal wtih it.

I couldnt handle it when he didnt call, so I sent him a message on facebook because I couldnt bring myself to say it to him, but here's the gist: "The hardest part of us breaking up for me wasn't losing you as a boyfriend. it was losing you as a friend. It obviously wasn't that way for you."

I think I ended it with, "this is the meanest you've ever been to me."

weeks pass. He's at Camp Buckner at West Point, so I know he couldn't have gotten the message. finally at some point he checks his email.

I finally get a text: "I'm so sorry I never contacted you. My dad moved out. We were all kind of a mess."

fuck. fuck. fuck. now I don't know what's wrong, what's right. I feel so hurt still. I wouldnt be so hurt maybe if he ever made an effort to speak to me, ONE TIME, since we broke up.

but now I can't shove it away. I'm forced to address, to admit: Sam, first love, I'm not over you.

I never stopped loving you.

and I hate that. it's not fair. I don't want to feel this way toward someone who dropped me so fast.

who made me feel so worthless.

I can't stop crying for the first time since we broke up in march.

I'm seeing tom this weekend. fuck. now you're in the field for 3 days. I missed your call the ONE time you call me.

and now I have to see tom right after I've opened up this horrible pipe.

this is not fair.

i don't have meltdowns.