I haven't written in this in a long time. It's easier to write when you're sad than when you're happy. Lately, I've been happy, it's harder to write. I like life. But some things are on my mind right now. Things are changing. Amanda told me today that over spring break, she lost her virginity. I mean, I knew this was going to happen. But it's just crazy when I think about it how old we're all getting. And it's crazy to me too beause Amanda was always such a strong Christian, and someone I admired so much. Now I'm not claiming to be a better Christian than her, by no means. I've always hated the term "good Christian", because it's totally undefinable. To me a good Christian is not someone who never screws up. We all have our own temptations and our own personal bents. It's all just a journey and I feel like God is the only one who can judge how "good" someone is or not. But I guess what I'm saying is that it's sad to see someone who knew who they were and knew what they wanted lose it like that. She says, "I might not marry him, but I love him, and he loves me, so I don't regret it." It's interesting. You can read the bible cover to cover, and you will never find that it says "no sex before marriage." It's not in the bible. It's something we've interpreted. But it makes sense, back in the days that the bible were written, there was no dating. It was all arranged marriages. Therefore pretty much any sex that was going on outside of marriage was either adultery or rape. And the bible does say things against those. The idea of "no sex before marriage" comes mostly from Song of Solomon. I love that book of the bible, there's so much great stuff in it. And I love that it really shows that you're supposed to have passion and intimacy in marriage, and I feel like it really shows the beauty that comes with marriage if you go about it the way God wants you to. I'm terrified of getting a divorce. I never want to get a divorce. When I get married, I want it to be the only person I'm ever with the rest of my life. And I honestly think that not having sex until you're married helps you to have the strong marriage that I want. I mean, if my husband's got a tiny penis and is really bad at sex, how would I know? I mean, it's not a hard puzzle and if both of you are pure than you can figure it out together. In theory, it's wonderful. And there's something so sweet and perfect about someone being the only one you've ever given that to. sexuality should be a gift. It shouldn't be something that anyone can have. "You have to test drive the car before you buy it." there are a number of things incorrect with this statement. firstly, "would you rather have a new car or a used car?" New car. duh. and second, I'm not a car. My sexuality is not a machine. Here I am, eighteen years old, and a virgin, and I'm damn proud of that fact. I'm a virgin because I respect myself and I want to be. I've had two guys break up with me solely because I wouldn't screw them. I've faced temptation and I've felt lonely. but thus far I've been okay. I hate the society where promiscuity is commonplace. It's funny the excuses that some girls will make. Amanda honeslty believes that she and her boyfriend will stay together in college. He seriously said to her "I hate driving to see people." She's going to college in a different state. think that's a hint? goddammit. He's going to break up with you becuase that's his character. Quite frankly, I can't imagine dating someone ever again who doesn't believe in God. That's just something that's so much a part of me. And now I'm in a relationship with a Christian boy who has told me that he doesn't ever expect me to have sex with him. He's perfect. He's incredibly sweet, one of the most intelligent people I've ever met, Caring, understanding, everything. And, to top it all off, I'm incredibly attracted to him. I've always been attracted to boys with dark skin and dark hair and dark eyes. And you know, he's going to West Point, so he's all fit & stuff. But that's the great part--the physical is just the add-on. He's so incredible and perfect without the physical component of our relationship--and this is the first relationship I've ever had like that! Problem: he's going to West Point Military Academy. I just don't know if I can stay with him through that. I mean, I would get to see him maybe three times a semester. I just don't know if I can. but a big part of me seriously wonders if a relationships can get any better of this. I don't know. I have to go now. But... yar. teenage society makes me hate everythang