so ive lost my best friend. well, it happened a while ago i guess, but hit me in the face within the last week or two. i dont think she realizes that right now i need money so badly that im not eating at work or school. i wish shed give me my money and get the fuck out of my life. its $100. thats a lot of money. the longer she waits, the less i get. i bet its her damn plan... this goes to show you, you can barely trust anyone. the only people i trust anymore are numbered. god im so pissed off. i just got a glimpse of her. pure, unexplainable rage. i have 5 doctors appointments with in the next 18 days. thats a lotta doctors. podiatrist, dentist, girlie doctor, dermatologist, and a physical. how much fucking fun. damni dont even want to go to those. especially the dentist...i shouldnt be going to the derm. in the first place...if i could get on the meds i want i wont need the derm. fuck it, im so mad. i have been since i got home. i have been since before i got home. well, since about 7:30ish tonight. it makes me mad at myself for feeling this way towards her. shes one of the few best friends ive ever had. once again i get fucked over. last week, when i relaized ive lost her...i cried. i havent cried that hard for over a year. and im crying now. swell. right now, yes. im cold and bitter. if i saw her, id slap her. i wouldnt be able to contain myself. i feel horrible for feeling that way. im just so outrageously angry and hurt and god only knows what. we always said "chicks before dicks" well shes got her man, and shes getting dick often...so...dicks before chicks obviously. its not his fault. at all. i like him, i really do. hes awesome. im glad theyre happy. but fuck her. all those times i bent over backwards to help her. i fucking took her into my damned house over night. i wont say why, but she knows DAMN well what im talking about...god damn son of a bitch. im sooooooo FUCKINGPISSEDOFFITSNOTEVENFUNNY. well, maybe im not actually pissed. i dont feel pissed. i want to cry (i stopped a few lines ago), my heart hurts. im angry. im hurt. ive been betrayed. from now on, i watch out for myself. fuck everyone else (this excludes jordan...hes still here with me. talking to me. being the awesome person he is). im tired of bending over backwards to make everyone happy and getting it rammed up my ass in the end. complete and udder bullshit i tell you. AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH