And if this is what it takes Just to lie in my mistakes And live with what i did to you And all the hell I put you through I always catch the clock It's 11:11 And now you want to talk It's not hard to dream You'll always be my konstantine I feel sick. I miss being happy with friends and relationships. I miss laughing and kissing like I meant it and knowing who I was and how I felt. I miss when my friends weren't all backstabbing and talking crap about me and then denying it. I don't know who to believe. I don't even know who to consider a friend anymore. I'm so sick of judgemental people and this stupid town. (AND NO, I'M NOT RUNNING AWAY) Yeah, and then I'm sick of people twisting my words around just so it makes an interesting story to tell people. Is it so hard to believe I'm a virgin? That I dislike the taste of alchohol? That I don't like grinding and I don't want popularity. I want attention... Bit for the right reasons. If worst comes to worst this year, if I hit rock bottom, rumors circulate because people can't keep their mouths shut, and I have no friends... I'll still know who truly cares. I have my crazy family. It's been so much fun hanging around the house this summer and having laughs with them. I'll miss all the bonding with my mother and listening to "Hit Em Up Style" with Matt. Friends come and go, but my family is still gonna be there. They care... Maybe they're the only ones not back stabbing me anymore. (Well, and Kat of course but... It would be difficult for her to do that xD) So yeah, thanks to the rest of you. I really appreciate you having so little patience for me. Is it not clear that I just needed some time to myself, some time alone? I could care less about double dates or boyfriends or relationships right now... I just want someone to hold me and love me... Even if it's nothing official, nothing more then kisses and hugs between friends. It's the one thing I need though. It's the one thing I can't have. I didn't know how horrible loneliness felt until I realized it's my own fault for closing them all out. The only good thing about it is... I know in my heart I did the right thing. I'm sick of going against my parents and family. I'm sick of trying to be something I'm not. Perhaps I'll dye my hair or get a piercing, perhaps my tastes in music, people, apparel, perhaps it will be different but... I don't want to follow so many of my friend's paths. I don't want to lose my virginity just because everyone else has. I don't want to smoke or do drugs or OD on medicines. I'm not into cutting and I'm not going to drink when I can't stand liquor. Someone fucking commend me. I'm sick of being the goody-goody. It just makes sense. I want to grow up normal. Normal to me means being who you are... Not what other people want (unless those people truly know what's best for you) NONE of you do except maybe my mother. So before you tell me I'm going through a faze, try to tell me what I'm thinking or read me like an open book... I didn't see anyone all summer for a reason. I don't want to tell every secret anymore. I don't want to follow the ground. I'm no longer going to be told what to do... And I sure as hell am NOT going to be mentally abused in a relationship or used by my best friend again. I'm sick of donating my house, food, money, love to people who abuse the priveledge. Come talk to me when you're all ready to grow up and get lives other then sex and liquor. I'm sick of your immaturity. Maybe I'm the only one who realizes that's not growing up. Sure I wear bright colors, sure I can be giggling, twitterpated, and emo but... I'm a hypocrite. I know. But somehow I feel like I'm finally ready to be seventeen.