This song is utterly depressing but change any "boy" said in it to "girl" and it's seriously how I feel about everything right now. I'm back on a TBM kick. It makes me want to be pretty in ribbons and mary janes wearing black and purple. I'm not that cool though. I'll stick with my emo sex or whatever the hell I am. I don't think I'm anything really besides uber-dork. I've come to the conclusion that it's going to be easier then I thought to slip away, because no one seems to care anymore. I did a good job letting myself drift like counselors and therapists were telling me to for years and now when I leave, no one is going to feel any regret that I'm gone. It's all I can feel when I listen to everyone call me and go on and on about their problems. This and that and building on top of eachother and no one takes the time to acknoledge how happy I've been lately- or why. If I tell them it's always "Oh. Well, I expected you to go see her anyway" It's not worth even trying to go to my friends anymore. The worst feeling is not when your friends dismiss you crying but when they dismiss your happiness because they're miserable. Stephanie decided she didn't "want to put up with my shit" because I'd try to make her feel better and cheer her up and she wanted to stay depressed. I don't understand. Why call me in the first place? All my life I've been trying to make things better for either me or the people I'm close to. I don't know how to do things differently. It's to the point now where I'm happy in my own little world simply because maybe somewhere else I won't fuck things up by letting people use me. Disclaimer: I'm not saying I don't want to listen. I've always been more then happy to listen. However, I expect to be listened to with full concentration and ever feed back in return. It can't just go one way. I stopped trying when I stopped being able to relate. I'm always here. I'll always be there a telephone call away and you can go on for hours. However, it's why I can leave and not want to look back as well. There was no one holding me with open arms (who didn't want to also stick a hand down my pants) I mean, I've had a couple decent ex boyfriends, but they're something different entirely then girls who are just friends. I'm sick of calling back when people hang up on me. I'm sick of chasing after things that aren't worth chasing. Things worth chasing want to be caught. They let themselves be caught and come back before it's too late. Honestly, the only person who ever looked back and realized I stopped letting myself be the one to come crawling back was Brenda and she's one of the few people who despite the hard time she's having now has also been there for me. There's also Rachel and she has been there for a lot. However, she's got Paulina there now and is busy a lot. Rachel is a very unique person though. However, I want mention names of people I regret not saying this to earlier. (And no it's not you, Al.) I'm not pointing a solitary finger right now either. There's a lot of people and circumstances that have accumlated over the years that I realize if I'd taken a stand sooner perhaps they'd realize how much it hurts to not be given what I've tried to give in return. This is a very long entry. This isn't a sappy little twitterpated entry about one of the other people who actually gives two shits. She knows who she is and that I love her with everything I have in me. And to the shit I get saying it's unnatural, it's unethical, doing this isn't worth my time... It's unnatural to fall for someone who cares about ME? It's unnatural to fall for something who I connected with because of things other then sex and foreplay? If it's unnatural to love someone who may not physically be here right now, I'd say there's little hope for our world today. Funny how maturity doesn't matter so much on how many years a person's been alive but instead the lessons they learn and how they choose to apply them. Funny how there's so little of that in so many people at M-E. (Maybe it's like that everywhere though. I'll be fair and say that) But yeah, to this constant complaining and talking about it that isn't even done TO MY FACE. Here's your fucking answer. I hope you're happy with it because I don't see how you can argue and say you know what's natural and what's not. Wanting to fuck just to fuck ISN'T natural. Wanting to kill yourself at age 30 so you don't die old ISN'T natural and stringing your ex boyfriend along for two years when he says he loves you ISN'T natural so don't tell me or talk shit about me saying what is and what isn't. By the way, people do tell me things and it hurts a lot more to hear it from someone else. I hope I've been blatantly obvious, immature, stuck up, a complete jerk, and pointed fingers that can be traced right to the source. Honestly, it was my intent. Sorry I happen to be sinking down to an ultimate low. However, atleast you should be the only ones to realize it's you I'm talking about. Atleast I didn't tell Danielle's best friend (around here) everything that pisses me off about her because I have nothing better to do. Thanks again. If you hate me after this, I perfectly understand. Call this my fairwell then six months in advance because in July I'm out of here.